Dr. Lisa Nolland responds to a previous Great Sexpections question about a mother whose 11-year-old recently told her he is attracted to other boys, affirming the need for compassion while raising concerns about current cultural messages around youth and sexuality.
I read the Great Sexpectations question that an 11-year-old has ‘come out’, leaving a family torn apart by the psychological nuclear bomb detonated in its midst. The pain is palpable. The Woman Alive advice columnist, another mother who had been through a similar situation, was reassuring. In fact, she had survived and gained much from this journey: ‘Your child is created in [God’s] image, wonderfully and uniquely, and loved beyond measure . You don’t have to have all the answers, just a heart that’s open’.
I agree! The first response is always loving compassion, which is how God treats us. That the lad felt able to tell his parents is positive, as well. For US ex-gay leader, Andrew Comiskey, ‘Painful as this moment is, (s)he is disclosing something deeply personal and painful … That is a gift’.
However, I still have reservations with the advice given to the Woman Alive reader.
The columnist promotes Open Table—an ‘accepting, loving community’ for the LGBTQIA. Doubtless they do their best for the many who feel unwanted, excluded, ‘othered’—and good on them. However, in my view, key premises upon which this approach is based are false. Though individuals are equal, sexual behaviours, identities and lifestyles are not. Open Table conflates them.
READ MORE: Bobbi Kumari on the Synod’s proposal to bless homosexual relationships
More importantly, though Jesus may still be loved, his ‘heteronormative’ sex ethic must go, same for Paul’s. For the orthodox wanting answers to niggling questions, see Professor Robert Gagnon on Jesus’ male-female marital requirement, ‘orientations’ and loving same sex unions in the ancient world -Jesus was insistent on the male-female, binary nature of marriage; and Paul would have known about sexual ‘orientations’ and loving same-sex unions in the ancient world.
Can we retain both biblical orthodoxy and offer best care for non-heterosexual individuals? I believe we can.
Can we retain both biblical orthodoxy and offer best care for non-heterosexual individuals? I believe we can. The science is inconsistent with the ‘born this way’ claim which has been foundational in the rights rhetoric: See ‘Putting “Born This Way” to Death Once and For All’ for more (2025).
Many change for the better as they address the deeper, invisible drivers of these feelings: see Changed; Restored Hope Network and former gay activist, James Parker, ‘Victim or Victor?’ for examples.
READ MORE: Embracing change
What is most chilling is the lack of awareness of human development and wider social and sexual context.
What is most chilling is the lack of awareness of human development and wider social and sexual context. Youngsters are more vulnerable than adults. Their still-developing PFC (pre-frontal cortex), over-active limbic regions and high levels of sex hormones (for instance) encourage novelty-and thrill-seeking and risk-taking, a key reason why traffic accidents are ‘the main cause of death’ for 15s-29s.
This sorry state is compounded by increasingly extreme pornography, the ‘new drug’, which most youngsters have seen (though are not obligated to watch) and CSE (Comprehensive Sexuality Education).
It is now mandatory to teach sex education, and sadly, many schools tacitly or openly promote high-risk sex activities to explore if/when they wish and feel ‘ready’.
READ MORE: What does the Bible say about sex and relationships?
Scotland’s premier LGBT Youth Scotland’s site for those aged 13-25, acknowledges that ‘relationships’ often follow coming out, presumably to confirm a gay identity. The NHS-endorsed The Sexy Stuff: Guide for Guys who like Guys, for teenagers from 13-19, gives further detail on both ‘relationships’ and how-to’s of anilingus, anal sex, etc. The prestigious ‘Ditch the Label’ site (for 12-25-year-olds) offers much good advice, but on its ‘coming out’ page it is tacitly assumed a sexual relationships will follow.
Though these sites appear unaware, sexually-active youngsters (regardless of orientation) fare far poorer. No youngster should be ‘exploring’ their sexuality; they are too vulnerable! See the ground-breaking research of the US non-profit, Ascend: ‘Sexual Risk Avoidance Works’ and ‘Sexual Risk Avoidance Education and The Gay Teen’.
As well as updating herself on the above issues, general parenting advice is helpful.
I finish with more from Andrew Comiskey on disclosure specifics. He gives concrete advice, beginning with verbs like listen; affirm your love; ask helpful questions; learn, etc. Andrew ends on this hopeful note: More than ever, you need to know that he alone is able to make this desert a garden for those called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). You can choose to look to God in a way that you have never looked before. You are right where he wants you, entrusting the child you love most to the One who loves him/her best.
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