GREAT EXPECTATIONS: I want to leave my husband

Dear Woman Alive

I have been married to my husband for 23 years, we have two children who are both now at university. I know my husband always fancied me more than I fancied him. He is 11 years older than me and I was young when we married. I have been a Pilates instructor for many years, and last year met a fellow Pilates instructor through a course I took. We had instant chemistry and attraction. When we met in person and spent some time together, I knew that there was nowhere else I wanted to be. My husband is a good man, but we are different people now, and everything in me wants to be with this new man. Please help.

READ MORE: This is what Jesus said about marriage and divorce

Dear Reader

This is a huge crossroads in your life - emotionally, practically, and ethically. You’re describing something many people face in long marriages: the sense that you’ve grown into someone different, and that your partner hasn’t grown in the same direction. Add powerful chemistry with someone new, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling torn. Let’s go step by step.

The intensity of new attraction can make everything seem clearer than it is.

The intensity of new attraction can make everything seem clearer than it is. What you’re feeling is real - but feelings alone aren’t a reliable guide for life-changing decisions. Ask yourself: If the new man weren’t in the picture, would you still want to leave your marriage?

Are you drawn to him specifically, or to what he represents (freedom, youth, excitement, being seen)? Can you imagine this attraction settling into a normal, long-term relationship - and still feeling right? This isn’t just about you and your husband; it touches your children, your financial future, your friendships, and your sense of self.

READ MORE: Here are three factors to consider if you feel tempted by January’s ‘Divorce Day’

You describe your husband as a “good man” - which suggests there’s no abuse, betrayal, or major harm. Ending such a marriage can feel especially weighty because there’s no villain. Even though your children are grown, your marriage is still the family’s foundation. How will this reshape your relationships with them?  Divorce affects finances, living arrangements, and even your social circles.

Your desire to be with this new man feels urgent, but rushing could create regret. Give yourself breathing room. Avoid secret entanglements (they complicate everything). Spend time reflecting, journaling, or even seeking therapy—not just about your marriage, but about you. Consider couples counselling - not necessarily to “save” the marriage, but to clarify whether there’s still something worth rebuilding.

Ask yourself: What do I need in a partner now that I wasn’t able to see when I was younger? Am I craving emotional connection, sexual spark, personal freedom—or all three? If I stayed, what would need to change to make the marriage feel alive again?

Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract. 

Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract. In Scripture, it’s a picture of Christ’s faithful love for his Church (Ephesians 5:25–33). That means we’re called to faithfulness, even when love feels dry or when attraction to someone else appears stronger. Jesus also warned that even looking at another person with lust is already a form of unfaithfulness in the heart (Matthew 5:27–28).

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have fallen out of love with my husband, when is it ok to get a divorce?

This doesn’t mean God is blind to your pain or your longing. He knows when a marriage feels empty and when hearts grow distant. But his first call is to seek him, not to follow feelings. Ask yourself honestly: Have I allowed discontent to take root without bringing it to God in prayer? Am I seeking fulfilment in someone else rather than trusting the Lord to meet my deepest needs? Is this new relationship drawing me closer to Christ or pulling me away from him?

Strong chemistry can feel like “confirmation,” but it can also be a powerful temptation. The enemy often uses counterfeit intimacy to draw people away from God’s best.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk