Ariana Grande’s ‘Petal’ made me think about what it means to be truly seen

The music video for Ariana Grande’s single, ‘Petal’, is a literal bloodbath, portraying a world of rage, violence and people fighting to be seen and appreciated. While speculation about Grande’s health and appearance has dominated much of the conversation around the video, I found myself thinking about something deeper: what does it actually mean to be truly seen?

I know something of the desperate desire to regain control when life feels chaotic. Beginning in my teens, I suffered from anorexia and received inpatient treatment at a psychiatric facility. I went through several hospitalisations over a number of months, but the disordered eating and thinking affected me for years and can still tempt me today. Thankfully, it’s been decades since my weight was dangerously low. My identity is in Christ, and in wisdom, I trust His Word over my feelings. I am intimately acquainted with the strong refuge where I cast my burdens, and disordered eating no longer holds the reins over my life.

READ MORE: God freed me from binge eating

For me, anorexia was a form of internalised anger. 

For me, anorexia was a form of internalised anger. I was angry at the world and uncontrollable circumstances, and my way of retribution was giving up on life. Anorexia was a chosen vehicle for self-harm that, for a while, remained convincingly under the radar, private and personal. I could overly control the way I ate in order to lose weight and eventually, I imagined in my teenage mind, I would simply waste away.

That’s why I don’t find the homicidal rage Grande expresses in her video at being overlooked, unappreciated and unseen surprising. As a teenager, there were many aspects of life I couldn’t control. Between the ages of 13 and 15, I moved and changed schools four times, my mother and stepfather divorced, and my grandfather died. Not all of these things were detrimental, but the lack of stability contributed to my need to exert some form of control over change.

READ MORE: My thoughts on singer, Lorde’s honesty about her relationship with food

I can only imagine that with a life like Grande’s – performing, touring, changing roles and creative outlets, like she and the actresses choreographically shifting seats on a loop in her video – a firm grasp on what goes in and out of her body may be the only way she gains a sense of power, despite the disordered way she attains it.

‘Petal’ is the title of Grande’s new album. It denotes a feeling of something light and fragile, although the singer communicates that it’s meant to denote the resilience, growth and hardship of a flower growing through a crack in the pavement. A petal away from a flower is a poignant picture. We appreciate flowers because of all the petals together. One lone petal can be a sign that it’s dying.

READ MORE: ‘My friend has an eating disorder – why can’t she just snap out of it and eat normally?’

There’s a famous verse about David when Samuel is looking to anoint the future king of Israel: “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” 

There’s a famous verse about David when Samuel is looking to anoint the future king of Israel: “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Similarly, man sees the flower, but Jesus knows each petal. Ariana Grande seems to attain artistic domination through a gory blood sacrifice in the ‘Petal’ video, but I wonder how often she feels seen, valued and appreciated – not for mega-stardom, but for whom she was designed to be by a holy God in the quiet of her mother’s womb, before all the trappings of fame and performance came to pass.

I received treatment for anorexia many years before I became a Christian. The biggest thing I learned was the idea of the supremacy of one. Inpatient treatment entailed seclusion in a tightly controlled environment; there were set schedules for mealtimes, a controlled group of people surrounded me, and there were daily counselling and group therapy sessions.

Through this fishbowl environment, I saw the beauty and significance of each of the other patients, eventually acknowledging that same intrinsic value in myself. We should pray that, in her time of rest, Ariana leaves the throngs of millions for the One, just as He would faithfully leave the 99 for her – not because she’s Ariana Grande, but because she is beloved.