God freed me from binge eating

I always thought I was chubby as a child, even though it was far from the truth. When I was five years old, I tried on a rainbow two-piece swimsuit and loved it. My mother asked if I would feel comfortable enough to wear it because my stomach was sticking out.

I had no idea my stomach was sticking out until she said that. I don’t blame my mother, she was trying to help.  But I then learned that if I wasn’t happy about how I looked, eating - or not eating - could make me feel better.

My relationship with my body and food was typical, not healthy, but typical as I grew into adulthood. Once I got married, I was totally unprepared for the stresses of married life and turned more frequently to food to cope. My husband and I had typical issues - figuring out how to share the house-work when we were both in full-time jobs - but my only relationship tools were avoiding conflict and people pleasing.

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For a binge eater, there are two reasons to open your mouth: to share feelings or to stuff them down. I only knew how to do the latter. For five years, we struggled with infertility, and praise God, over the following three years, we adopted our two sons. But, my eating didn’t improve. Although I finally had the life I prayed for, my binge eating progressed. It didn’t make sense.

Why would I rather be hiding in my pantry, eating peanut butter out of the jar instead of being with my family at night? 

Why would I rather be hiding in my pantry, eating peanut butter out of the jar instead of being with my family at night? Why couldn’t I wait for my husband and kids to go to bed so I could stay up and eat like I wanted to?

I “knew better”.  In fact, I was working as a personal trainer at the time. I was “Miss Fitness” in public, but in private, my life told a different story. Stuck in an unending cycle of overeating, feeling horrible about it, promising God I’d never do it again, I would inevitably do it again.

I had converted to Catholicism at Easter 2008, and was on fire with my faith.  But I couldn’t figure out why God wasn’t answering my prayers. The answer to my prayers would finally come after uncontrollably eating two pounds of fudge in December 2013.

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This pushed me to go on the hunt for what I now know was the lasting solution to my suffering, total surrender to God. I knew that the solutions I used before - talk therapy, diet plans, online health programs, hiring trainers, strict exercise, signing up for events like 5k’s or triathlons to “be motivated” - wouldn’t work this time.

Overeating wasn’t my only problem.  My life was controlled by food. I couldn’t enjoy the life God gave me that I had been praying for because I was thinking about food 90% of my day. I was exhausted and desperately needed relief.

Even though I couldn’t name what I had, I recall a commercial about binge eating disorder. I thought, “Maybe that’s what I have”. 

Even though I couldn’t name what I had, I recall a commercial about binge eating disorder. I thought, “Maybe that’s what I have”. When I searched online, one of the first things that came up was a program near me. I resisted God’s nudge, but God kept opening doors: it was free, there was childcare, and the next meeting was two days away in a church close to my house.

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I could accept the help or go on living the way I was. My way wasn’t working. I needed God. My life had to radically change, not just in words, but in how I thought, lived, and acted. Everything I did had to be totally surrendered to God, including working on the roots of what I was eating over: my feelings of unworthiness and countless fears, to name a few. Since that January day in 2014, the Lord has taken me on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and deepening my reliance on Him. He’s helped me set down the constant chasing, the striving, the chronic people pleasing. I now believe who He says I am.

I’ve learned that when I don’t feel okay, I am okay and I am safe in Him. He’s given me people who’ve taught me tools like journaling, allowing my feelings, and genuine care for myself. The Lord has healed my relationship with food, myself, and my body.  He is my God again, not food. Daily, I fall short.  But this life is worth working for. Being totally guided by the Lord is thrilling, freeing, and peaceful. He’s even taken what was once a private journey and has called me to be public so I can answer His call to “go find His hurting daughters and bring them to Him.”

So, if you heard your story in mine, find hope in knowing there are options, there is a way out.  It may be hard to believe, but I promise this struggle can be one of the greatest gifts God gives you. He can use the depths of your suffering to create the greatest joy in your life.  He has for me and He will do it for you. Keep pursuing Him. He is the real answer.