Book Club: 'I Don’t Even Like Women: And other lies that get in the way of sacred sisterhood'

This month I’m reading… 

I Don’t Even Like Women: And other lies that get in the way of sacred sisterhood

By Natalie Runion

(Esther Press, 978-0830786701)

Natalie worked for the church, firstly as a youth intern, then with children, and finally found her place as a worship leader. But then, just over a year into that role, she was told by her supervisor that they felt she would be better suited to women’s ministry.

Her whole world turned upside down and her response literally was: “What?! Women’s ministry? Are you kidding me? I don’t even like women!” This admission appears right at the start of the book, and Natalie remains as honest throughout, explaining that it isn’t that she doesn’t like women, but that she has often felt rejected by them. She also says that while school was difficult, nothing had been as hard as navigating the women in church, so her “pastor’s invitation to women’s ministry felt more like an invitation to stepping on a hornet’s nest without shoes, and it appeared I didn’t have a choice”.

She admits she had her own biases and opinions about women’s ministry, and addresses them in the book, looking at all the reasons why we can find being with women in church difficult – rather than being embraced by the sisterhood that she firmly believes the space is meant to be. With disarming honesty and humour Natalie tackles these reasons head on, while sharing the journey she embarked on in her new area of ministry (as well as sharing from her childhood). So much will resonate – and ultimately it is a hugely encouraging book.

Could you describe how it felt navigating your new your new, rather unwanted, role in women’s ministry? 

In the beginning, it felt as if the Lord had tricked me. We had just moved our family hundreds of miles away from everyone and everything we loved, for me to take a dream job as worship pastor, so to have that suddenly taken away and placed into a role I never asked for – or wanted – without a say in the matter, felt like a demotion. I would love to say that I handled it with grace and modelled trust in God, but I spent at least a year struggling with my identity in Christ and attitude towards the Church. As I sat in my new office, begging God to let me quit and go back to my hometown where I could be a worship leader again, He started using the women I was now leading and pastoring to lead and pastor me. He showed up in my temper tantrums and tears through His daughters who loved me when I didn’t know how to love them just yet and, over the course of our five years together, they showed me how much I was missing by believing I was just a worship pastor. I was called to pastor God’s people and that meant doing the things I didn’t sign up for to encounter God in new and fresh ways through His people – whom He doesn’t just love, but He also likes.

You share some heartbreaking moments from your own childhood, where you learned to protect yourself. How does the way we were treated by other girls while growing up impact us today?

We all have schoolyard or cafeteria room memories of being rejected, excluded, of words spoken over us by peers and teachers – and even parents – that didn’t just break our hearts but crushed our spirits. We are taught at an early age how to self-preserve so we won’t have to face the familiar sting of feeling unwanted and even tolerated by women around us, and it makes us suspicious of even those who truly want to get to know us and invite us into safe and sacred spaces. It can lead to a life of loneliness if we don’t address the lies spoken over us and learn to cling to the truth of God’s word and who He says we are in Him.

You share what you have learned, but say “we will be stung a few times in our attempt to get to the honey, but the sweetness is worth the sting”. Could you explain what you mean by that?

I don’t blame women for being hesitant to join a women’s ministry or small group once they’ve been hurt by other women. The truth is, we will all be stung by the bitter words of gossip, slander or betrayal, and our first reaction is to retreat and just try to figure life out on our own. But I have learned that when I’m willing to try community again and step back into the waters of biblical community, the risk of being stung again is worth it, because there is usually a reward of a sweet new friend coming into my life. The enemy wants us to believe every woman will hurt us so we won’t know the power and beauty of unified daughters coming together for kingdom purpose.

As you began to find your feet in your ministry, you came up against envy from your direct boss, and she went from mentor to criticiser. How did you navigate that and what did it teach you?

This could be an entire book in and of itself. This type of betrayal is one of the most common reasons women walk away from the Church and ministry, and it can take years of healing to rewrite the scripts spoken over us. I tried to navigate it as best I could but it would be the Lord who would prove to be my defender and protector. He eventually exposed the situation and, even though it took several years, I saw His hand in how it was all revealed. I learned to trust God more but also how to use my voice in ways that didn’t bring panic but peace. I learned the next time I came face to face with this type of leadership, how to stand up for myself in a way that didn’t bring more chaos but clarity and biblical order. It also taught me the type of leader I want to be for young women – safe and confident in my own role in the kingdom so they could be safe and confident in their role.

You then realised you hadn’t treated one of your team well and had to repent. What did you learn through that experience?

Repentance is a gift God has given His children to bring light to darkness and reveal truth where the enemy has tried to bring lies to divide the family of God. I learned to own my mistakes and, through truth, humility and love, model asking for forgiveness when I was wrong. I realised just how unifying these conversations can be and how the Lord will show up in these uncomfortable conversations to bring unity to His people.  

You have gone from saying you don’t even like women to saying “women’s ministry can be a transformative space where women form lifetime bonds and forever friendships”. Why do you believe now that we need women’s ministry and how can it be different from the clichéd craft and sandwiches? 

For a long time, women’s ministry felt like country clubs, but we are realising we are actually an army. In these days, where the enemy is after our marriages, children and ministries, we need spaces where women can train and equip one another through the word and worship to prepare for the spiritual battle waging against our homes and calling. This is where women of all ages come together and lean in and learn from one another, where multigenerational ministry is born, and where women realise they were never alone. We cannot afford more social clubs in the Church; we need training grounds where women are adequately equipped for the battle before us.

Natalie Runion on: The books that have changed my life

Godmothers by Lisa Bevere  

This book gives women the language for mentorship and discipleship while also encouraging multigenerational leadership in the home, community and church family. We don’t have to be perfect to lead and guide others, simply available to take what we’ve learned and what God has used to make us stronger to help the generations coming up behind us.  

Body and Soul by Lisa Whittle

As women, we often have complicated relationships with our bodies, food and other external pressures to look a certain way at different ages and stages of life. I love how Lisa looks at the Imago Dei and the whole picture of how God made us with permission to age with grace, while also embracing who we are becoming in Him along the way.

Crushing Chaos by Manny Arango

With our need for control we often forget that God has created order from the Garden and that we are intricate parts in His plan. What we cannot control, God has already established order over through His word and promises. I found myself breathing a little easier with each chapter, as I let go of areas of control I had been holding on to that God had already spoken peace over.