Salomé Criddle says we live in a world obsessed with sexual pleasure and here, she considers the impact on marriage, encouraging married couples to rediscover a biblical vision of intimacy that values friendship, faithfulness, and purpose over fleeting passion.
Western society is preoccupied with sexual pleasure. It’s on our TV screens, our social media feeds, even plastered across billboards. It sparks controversy, fuels curiosity, and often dominates the conversations I have in my workshops about relationships. I’ve even heard it from the pulpit (though usually in warnings), and it influences the way many couples approach intimacy. Let’s be honest: sex is the headline of our times.
While sex is a beautiful and God-given gift, it was never meant to be the sole pillar holding a marriage together. Yet, our culture often reduces marital intimacy to chasing moments of pleasure, as if the orgasm were the highest measure of love.
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Even in Christian spaces, I’ve seen how this thinking can quietly creep in. Marriage talks sometimes hint that frequent, satisfying sex is the key to keeping your marriage strong, as though the orgasm is the glue that will hold you together. However, if we’re not careful, we can make the pursuit of the orgasm an idol, measuring the health of our relationships by how often we’re intimate, instead of whether we truly connect in heart, mind, and spirit.
When sex becomes the proof of love, rather than an expression of it, we risk missing the deeper purpose of marriage.
When sex becomes the proof of love, rather than an expression of it, we risk missing the deeper purpose of marriage. I believe it’s time to see sex the way God does, as just one of many pleasures he has created. I love that David says, “In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11, NKJV). Even he understood that God is very creative and has invented pleasures that we haven’t even conceived of on this side of life.
READ MORE: You are not broken because you find it difficult to reach orgasm
The danger in holding an unhealthy view that marriage is mainly about pleasure is that it sets us up for disappointment, even disillusionment. The truth is, the majority of marriage is about work, sacrifice, investment, and nurture. It’s about showing up on the hard days as much as the good ones. And if we’ve been led to believe that marriage should always feel passionate, exciting, or orgasm-filled, we may be tempted to leave when it starts to feel like work.
I’ve been married long enough to know that pleasure alone cannot hold a marriage together. Desire ebbs and flows. Passion has its seasons. And if all we’ve built is a relationship on moments of pleasure, what happens when those moments are fewer and further between?
There will be seasons when physical intimacy changes, and sexual intimacy isn’t always there.
There will be seasons when physical intimacy changes, and sexual intimacy isn’t always there. Childbirth, illness, grief, stress, or distance can all affect desire, arousal, and physical connection. But that doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is failing. In those moments, love looks like care, presence, patience, and carrying one another through.
READ MORE: The Gospel Coalition’s article saying that a man’s orgasm is his ‘sacrificial offering’ is deeply concerning
During the toughest seasons of my marriage, what has sustained us most has not been the memory of great sex, it’s been our friendship. Not only do we love each other, but (most of the time) we like each other. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company, we laugh together, and we share life as companions as much as lovers. It’s an often underestimated quality in marriage, but it carries incredible value. Friendship is the glue that keeps you close when passion fades for a time. And it’s a quality that is rarely celebrated in a culture that idolises sexual chemistry.
Most of the time, marriage is far less glamorous than the movies, but it is far richer. It’s about commitment, not just chemistry. About impact, not just pleasure. About legacy, not just passion. It’s about two people becoming one to reflect God’s love to the world (Ephesians 5:3132), raise godly children (Malachi 2:15), and leave a legacy that outlives them. In my own marriage, this understanding has carried us through seasons where romance took a back seat to real life, and I believe it has saved us.
Marriage impacts more than two people. If our churches were filled with thriving, faithful marriages, imagine the impact on our communities. The world would take notice. If our children grew up seeing what healthy, honouring marriages look like, they would carry those lessons into their own relationships. That’s legacy.
It’s time we stopped reducing the beauty of sex in marriage to the pursuit of the next orgasm. Instead, let’s view sexual pleasure as one of many beautiful gifts God has given us, and embrace the bigger pleasure of faith, love, and purpose. “Let marriage be held in honour among all” (Hebrews 13:4). That, more than anything, is worth pursuing.
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