Writer Hope Bonarcher explains how God's word delivered her from the extreme hopelessness that led her to attempt to take her own life.
Suicide. It’s a word that carries so much weight, one of those darker hued words that invites us to speak in hushed whispers. To admit that I have attempted suicide multiple times isn’t easy. Truth telling often isn’t, but it is the truth that sets us free and freedom is worth the small price of discomfort. Life is multilayered, from the heights of inexplicable joy to the depths of unspeakable despair and every emotional experience in between.
Christians are often thought of in wider society as vanilla, puritanical, beyond the murkiness that trips up common people. In reallity, many believers have experienced an opaque darkness so thick that leads us to cry out to the one who dwells in unapproachable light.
Looking back on the times in my life when temptation to escape the darkness seemed unbearable, there’s been a clear pattern. As a child, I battled feelings of loneliness so haunting I remember them til this day. When I reached my later teen years, I found anytime a relationship representing safety or comfort to me seemed broken, the dam keeping up my mental reserve crashed right along with it. This cycle would repeat itself into my 20s, sometimes requiring therapy, medication and hospitalization.
Many believers have experienced an opaque darkness so thick that leads us to cry out to the one who dwells in unapproachable light.
As I grow in my Christian faith, I believe that God has planted a deep seed of understanding in my heart regarding hope in the context of suicide. He is always bringing beauty out of the ashes! A year or two ago I had a personal revelation: suicide is the most extreme expression of hopelessness. My Instagram bio contains this anonymous quote: “Hope is the confident expectation that God is going to do something good.”
The Bible describes our father in heaven as the God of all hope. As I live now having been transferred from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light, I must very intentionally take my thoughts captive to the truth that hopelessness in God is a lie of the enemy; there’s just no such thing! When the Israelites reached the Red Sea, Moses raised his hand over the sea in obedience through hopefulness. When Shadrak, Meshak and Abednago faced the fiery furnace, they remained confident in a hope that was realized in the flames. Esther met her hope in a move of God for her and her people with prayer and fasting and God moved the king’s heart in her favor. Paul’s hope in God is realized again and again in the New Testament, like an angelic visitation in the midst of a storm so deadly scripture confirms that all hope was lost yet the entire crew survived.
Conquering suicidal thoughts is a mentally active exercise in holding on to God’s word for dear life, despite my feelings.
Conquering suicidal thoughts is a mentally active exercise in holding on to God’s word for dear life, despite my feelings. I am not alone. My God will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. I choose to take fate out of my own hands and place it squarely in the nail pierced hands that bled for me on Calvary with scars that remained in His resurrected body. Jesus knows despair and agony. He overcame death and the grave that I might live in TOTAL RELIANCE on his faithfulness. By choosing to hope in God, in the face of suicide, I wage war with a giant before the great cloud of witnesses and I will be found victorious in him.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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