Living grace-filled lives and the power to forgive

The journey took years and many miles, but we finally made it. It had been seven years since my husband Pete last saw his dad, 21 years since he’d seen his stepmum and over 30 years since he last saw his stepbrother.

There hadn’t been any kind of argument or rift, and Pete has a good relationship with his dad. It’s just that the family moved to Canada, time passed and it was hard to get together. But it’s also true that Pete, as a young man in his early 20s, hadn’t treated his younger brother well. He remembered things he’d said and regretted them. Pete felt strongly that he needed to apologise to Jason.

Then our children clubbed together for a Christmas present and gave Pete a pot of money to help him visit his dad – something he’d dreamed of for many years. This year, we made it to Ontario, and that dream came true.

A journey of reconciliation

Pete was keen to see his ageing dad (we knew it might be the last time), but he was also anxious about seeing Jason. How would he be received? Well we arrived, and with his dad and stepmum, time and distance melted away. It felt as if we’d never been apart. Then Jason came in, opened his arms and gave Pete the biggest hug. It was amazing.

They had time, while we were there, to have some quiet conversations. Pete apologised for his behaviour as a young man. Jason said: “Don’t worry about it. You were a product of your time and influenced by people around you.” But Pete replied: “No, I was wrong.” Apologies were given; forgiveness was received. They looked at old photos, laughed, remembered and found a real connection. It was a privilege to see that relationship healed and restored.

As we said goodbye, we were sad, but Jason said: “This visit has been huge for me. For the first time in years, I feel I have a brother.” His generous and wholehearted forgiveness was a blessing to us.

Walking the path of forgiveness with our children 

As Christians, we are called to forgive – and also to repent, apologise and ask forgiveness. We mustn’t forget that we need to embrace both parts of that at different times: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12, NLT).

As parents, we make plenty of parenting mistakes, and it might be the case that our children hold it against us. Is there a way back? Connection is the key, and being willing to admit when we’ve got things wrong. Saying: “Sorry, I was wrong” is such a powerful thing. The Bible says: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

I felt a failure when I had to put boundaries in place with one of my children to keep us all safe. If I hadn’t, our relationship would have become toxic, and I fear there would have been no way back. I didn’t want to break off our contact. Instead, I found ways to keep in touch, so they knew we still loved them and wanted the best for them.

I discovered it was better to text rather than call, so we both had time to choose the right words for our responses. We were able to build a relationship despite the difficulties. That child has forgiven our parenting mistakes, and we have forgiven their reactions. Those boundaries have helped us keep growing our relationship, and I truly look forward to our regular lunches together.

You don’t have to expose yourself to toxic behaviour, and your safety is always paramount. But there are ways to keep the connection alive. That particular child needs extra care and grace from us. Their needs are such that we have to give more. The rest of our family understand that and support us. 

Connection is the key, and being willing to admit when we’ve got things wrong

Living grace-filled lives

In the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), there were actually two lost young men: the one who took advantage of his father’s generosity, left home and ended up working with the pigs; and the other, who stored up resentment in his heart. He was physically present with his father, but his heart didn’t share the father’s generosity of spirit.

The first one came home and said sorry: “I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son” (v21). The other son remained jealous and resentful. He might have done dutiful service in his brother’s absence, but he was critical of his father’s loving forgiveness of wrongdoing.

We have the power to look at our relationships and choose to forgive. We have the power to say sorry without making excuses. How often have you been on the receiving end of an ‘apology’ that wasn’t really an apology at all? Sometimes a string of reasons and excuses makes it sound as if the person still believes their behaviour was justified.

It’s never too late to reach out, say sorry and mend bridges we never thought could be mended. And even if we don’t get a Disney ending, and the other person can’t forgive, we can still admit our mistakes to God and know that his fatherly love is always ready to forgive and accept us.

I want to be someone who keeps short accounts. I want to live open-handed, with a heart always ready to receive and give grace. I want to say sorry quickly, mend fractured relationships and help restore peace – both in their hearts and mine.