Grief can lead to growth

Ten years ago, my dad was hospitalised after a persistent cough forced him to visit his doctor. The 32-year-old me visiting Dad in hospital that day had no idea what was about to happen. Life would never be the same again. Dad’s lungs were full of cancer cells; he was diagnosed with advanced stage lung cancer and within ten months, he was gone. He was 64. I still remember the day Dad passed away; it was a sunny winter’s day with not a cloud in the sky. Everyone was carrying on with life as usual, but my life felt like it had stopped.  

Nothing in life prepares you for grief. It can feel indescribable. Before Dad died, I barely ever thought about death or the fragility of life. This was a heartache I had never experienced before. I cried so loudly at Dad’s funeral; it was undignified and I was inconsolable. The verse I would hold on to was Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Grief brought with it a mixture of emotions; it made it difficult to think straight. When I realised I would never speak to Dad again in this lifetime, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I believed God was holding on to me even when I felt nothing at all, but I struggled to believe that anything good could ever happen again.

Grief changed me. While I was trying to keep it together emotionally, my rational side needed a framework to understand what was happening. I discovered Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ non-linear grief cycle (which outlines the common emotional responses to loss and change: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I was told that the loss of a parent could take at least two years to process. I was not in control of what had happened, but I had a choice as to how I responded.

Grieving sisters in the Bible

In John 11, Jesus discovered his good friend Lazarus was ill but arrived at the scene four days after he had died. Martha, Lazarus’ sister, met Jesus outside the village and said: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (v21). Jesus spoke to Martha about her brother and about himself. Martha was honest with Jesus about her questions, confusion and grief. They exchanged words thoughtfully and Jesus told her the truth; that he is the resurrection and the life, that those who believe in him will live, even though they die, and whoever lives by believing in him will never die (v25). Jesus responded with truth in Martha’s time of grief in order to comfort her. 

Mary, Lazarus’ other sister, who initially stayed at home, needed to hear that Jesus was looking for her before she went out to meet him. When she encountered Jesus, she fell at his feet and through tears said exactly the same thing to Jesus as Martha had: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (v32). Jesus’ response to Mary was completely different. He saw her emotional state and was unafraid to shed his own tears (v35). Jesus felt anger at the reality of our human condition and the pain of death. He responded with tears in Mary’s time of grief in order to comfort her. 

The ‘gifts’ grief gave

Grief takes time to process and no two people will experience it in the same way. For some it will involve searching conversation and theological wrestling, for others it may involve raw emotions and someone to say: “it’s OK to not be OK”. I was grateful for the space for both truth and tears in my grief. 

As the ten-year anniversary of Dad’s passing approaches, I’m not where I used to be but I will also never ‘get over’ losing Dad. I have tried to live my life in a way that honours his memory and continues his legacy. I have even begun to appreciate what grief gave me.

Grief forced me to think hard about what really mattered. It has a way of cutting through everything to help you see with greater clarity what you should no longer waste your time on. It was grief that gave me the courage to make some changes. My decision to transition from working in law into full-time ministry began to crystallise during grief. We enter this world with nothing and leave with nothing and this realisation helped me not to allow materialistic concerns to over dominate, but to think with more of an eternal perspective. 

Grief led to growth. The writer and journalist David Brooks, in his book The Road to Character (Penguin), explains two sets of virtues in life: the CV virtues and the eulogy virtues. The CV virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace – your accomplishments, achievements and accolades. The eulogy virtues are the ones mentioned at your funeral; were you kind, faithful and loving? I had lived for many years focused on the CV virtues. But at Dad’s funeral, I heard people share about him in a way which inspired me. Dad was described as a wise and kind man who committed his life to service. Focusing on the eulogy virtues changed the direction of my life. Instead of obsessing over what I was achieving, I began to ask: who am I becoming?

As I have reflected on grief, two things have brought me great comfort and hope: God is with us and death is not the end. These are the promises Jesus gives us. Jesus not only conquered death itself but comforts those who mourn, provides for those who grieve, transforms ashes into beauty and provides hope in despair. Be comforted that Jesus knows who you are, where you are and what you need.