Why do women continue to shoulder the burden?

Burned out, brain-fogged and low. British women are losing an hour of sleep each week compared to their male counterparts. The reason? The invisible load.

The ‘extras’ of daily life so often fall onto women’s plates – but do we carry them in our church lives too?  

What is the invisible load? 

The invisible load can look different for every woman. For mothers, it might look like the perpetual treadmill of remembering school lunches, PE kits and ballet lessons – or being the ‘default’ parent as well as working. 

For those in relationships, it can mean being responsible for remembering partners’ family’s birthdays, and knowing what present a mother-in-law might like (despite not being the one raised by her) because ‘women are just better at that stuff’.

Even in the workplace, women can find themselves feeling obliged to manage extra tasks; picking up cups after meetings, organising office parties and tiptoeing the line between assertiveness and rudeness, while their male colleagues are subliminally free to just get on with the job. 

Genuinely wanting to be more involved with childcare, or being the better half to choose something sterling silver at John Lewis can be a joy! Gendered roles are not inherently degrading, if the people doing the ‘pink’ and ‘blue’ jobs are free to choose them. But being automatically in charge of the little ‘extras’ without it ever being discussed – because it ‘won’t get done otherwise’ – can become a slow, stifling nightmare. It drains time, and can rob women of the mental space for relaxation, creativity or spiritual connection. 

If these scenes sound distressingly familiar – it’s not all in your head. The Women’s Wellbeing Report, a national study by Optibac (optibacprobiotics.com/uk/womens-health-wellbeing-report) confirms what many women are already feeling. A third (32 per cent) said they are at “breaking point”, with almost half (49 per cent) saying the majority of unspoken – but necessary – household tasks fall to them. By comparison, one in three (36 per cent) of men said that tasks like planning meals and family admin fell to them.  

Despite this gap, the number of men and women in paid work has never been closer – with 72 per cent of women between the ages of 16 and 64 in employment, compared with 78.1 per cent of men (statista.com/statistics/280120/employment-rate-in-the-uk-by-gender/). 

Is the Church any different?

We know that the Church is a broken and beautiful vessel; a reflection of the flawed and complex humans within it.  

It then stands to reason that the invisible load follows us past the welcome sign, sits in the pews, pops up on the notice board and oozes into our coffee mugs on a Sunday morning. Along with the chilli con carne and quiche, is the invisible load served up at post service bring-and-share lunches?

The invisible load drains time, and can rob women of the mental space for relaxation, creativity or spiritual connection

Hope is a nurse in her mid-20s. She plays an active part in her church, where her husband is on staff. She’s noticed a “definite expectation” to serve.  

“I work in healthcare,” she said, “which means inconsistent shift patterns, so I’m not always able to commit to certain days on a rota. I’ve experienced comments of being ‘non-committal’ because of this, which I was personally quite hurt by.”

In her church, she’s noticed an imbalance in the types of roles done by women, saying: “My husband is our youth pastor – and his team of volunteers is entirely female.”

While Hope’s story is a glimpse of just one church, it reflects wider patterns. Firstly, there is a sense of expectation from others in the Christian world. As believers, we don’t want to let our church family down or appear half-hearted. 

The second pattern is the ‘glass escalator,’ a term coined by sociologist Christine Williams. It’s the opposite of the ‘glass ceiling’, where women entering a male-dominated field find themselves struggling to progress. Instead, some men working in traditionally ‘female’ fields can be taken more seriously, and find it easier to ascend to leadership roles. Such patterns have been observed in hair salons and teaching – and, in this case, kids’ and youth volunteering.

 An inherited sense of duty

Hannah, aged 40, is married with two children. She works for a church, and has noticed that when it comes to organising volunteer teams, it’s women who are doing most of the legwork. 

“We’ve got many men who serve really faithfully,” she said. “But overall, I think women tend to jump into a wider range of roles. Especially things like kids’ work, hospitality and welcome. Men often stick to things like music, tech and DIY projects.”

Several women shared a similar general sentiment with me: “We love our male volunteers – they do a brilliant job at stacking chairs – but we need more on kids’ team!”  

Women’s willingness to be flexible is, of course, a blessing to church communities. But Hannah notes that it can reflect an inherited sense of duty, which reverberates through the generations and bounces off the walls of women’s personal lives. 

“I think women often feel like we have to help out, we can’t just leave something undone…sometimes, the things men do in work or life feel easier to transfer into church, whereas women just get stuck in even if we don’t feel totally ready.  

“There’s some cultural influence behind that. It’s what we’ve seen growing up. We see that as normal, so we just carry on doing it and it maybe feels more comfortable to women.” 

This sense of ‘comfort’, combined with expectation, can subtly crank up the pressure. One factor behind carrying the invisible load can be a deep respect for the example we watched as children. We might remember cakes baked, and cups of tea prepared, in galley kitchens away from the family chatter; our mothers and grandmothers steadfastly serving those around them.

In some family dynamics, whether intentional or not, servitude can seem like the main way for women to be valued and feel needed. Then, when it comes to church, the value placed on servitude is amplified by a genuine desire to follow Christ’s example. We are called to wash the feet of those around us (John 13:14). We are called to be hospitable, welcoming and sacrificial. 

One woman who knows all about the delicate balance of service, leadership and spirituality is Chine McDonald, director of the faith think tank Theos and author of Unmaking Mary: The myth of divine motherhood (Hodder & Stoughton) – you can read our interview with her in the March issue of Woman Alive. “As someone who has often been in male-dominated leadership positions, I notice myself doing things that most male leaders in my position wouldn’t do. 

“Tidying up plates and cups after a meeting, buying and serving food. Sometimes I feel like I act much more like a traditional housewife at work than I do at home! There is something that drives me to want to prove that I’m still ‘womanly’ even though I’m a leader.

“I still believe in servant leadership though,” Chine said. “It’s good for all of us to serve others.” 

The crux is, women’s labours of love shouldn’t be discouraged or diminished; they are a beautiful reflection of Christ. Time and again in the Bible, God demonstrates his unique love for women, and shows that his nature reflects feminine qualities (Luke 13:34). 

It is sacred to give our time, energy and resources to help others. But it can become a burden, if an expectation to give stops us from receiving in church.  

Dani* is a single woman, with a leadership role in her church. She said: “I have never felt pressure to serve, more because it feels like second nature to me – I don’t think I ever questioned it.

There is something that drives me to want to prove that I’m still ‘womanly’ even though I’m a leader

“But when I do [serve] in traditionally male roles, like preaching or leading a team, I find myself fighting to be taken seriously. It’s something that deeply grieves me, because I have been given authority to take up space…but I almost feel like I have to work twice as hard, taking up twice as much energy and it leaves me twice as depleted. 

“It’s hard to receive from that place because you’re so busy just trying to hold it together.” 

How do we lighten the burden? 

Every church, family and relationship dynamic is different. Some may have managed a wonderful balance where tasks are shared by all, and serving is a joy for both the giver and receiver. But for others, the invisible load is carried both at church and at home.  

With the Lord, the yoke is meant to be easy and the burden light (Matthew 11:30). And, as it says in Genesis 1:27: “Male and female he created them.” Women are not merely helpers but ezer-kenegdos – suitable partners, and sources of strength (see Genesis 2:18).

As ironic at it sounds, in order to lighten our loads we may have some work to do. This might look like recognising your own internal metric of self-worth; do you burn out because you tell yourself you are most valuable when others need you? If so, it is time to rest in the knowledge that you are loved, worthy and irreplaceable for simply being God’s daughter. Where we might be inclined to judge others for withholding their time (as in Hope’s case), we may need to learn to accept that women in our church families can – and should – say no sometimes, even when their plates aren’t totally full. 

For churches who have an abundance of wonderful women on kids’ teams, but lack the male volunteers to be role models for their boys, it could be a case of calling out the gender imbalance through a sermon or notice. 

The Church has absorbed culture, been fed by it and fed it. Giving our time, energy and emotional effort is just one of the ideals that can turn into a mixed blessing. The work done by men is fantastic – they fulfil so many vital roles. But as a collective body, we must be alert to the heightened expectations placed on women, who already shoulder so much.  

A final, and beautiful, observation of this deep dive has been the willingness of women to share their stories. When I spread the message around church networks, asking whether any women would like to speak about the ‘invisible load,’ I was met with an abundance of thoughtful, insightful, honest and vulnerable responses. 

I received voice notes from women in their 60s, gathered around a phone together while helping at a church event. I received carefully drafted paragraphs from women in their 20s, keen to see both men and women share in the running of their communities. Wise words carrying years of wisdom landed in my inbox, from women who I knew had multiple other tasks landing in their own. 

The warmth, grit and compassion of female volunteers and staff are the beating heart of our church communities. Together, we must ensure we aren’t holding on to so many tasks that our hands are too full to hold out in prayer.

Anna Rees Green is a news journalist for Premier @_annarees

*Names throughout this article have been changed for anonymity.