The unexpected way social media helped my son beat depression

We all know the arguments against the use of social media: it becomes addictive, feeds insecurities, enables bullying and damages our children’s mental health. Sometimes it feels as though our children are playing in a dangerous world we don’t understand, and we can’t protect them.

Just for once I’d like to present a different picture.

Finding focus and purpose online 

My son has really struggled with his mental health. He developed some bad habits and he felt powerless to change his lifestyle and break out of the vicious cycle of physical and mental damage. He couldn’t find the energy or motivation to effect even tiny changes, and he couldn’t see a way forward.

He turned to social media for help, and to my surprise he found it. There were no startling revelations, no dramatic shifts in attitude, but we started to see a change in his thinking – because of what he was watching.

What happened was that he found people he admired, talking about their interests and lifestyle. Not celebrities, just ordinary people who looked like him. The people he followed were filming their activities, but what they were modelling was enjoyment, consistency and determination. Showing up each day and doing a little more. The random, unhelpful scrolling changed to intentional watching. Gradually, he began to think: Maybe I can do a bit of that. He found a local influencer who liked running – and because it was local, he was able to copy the routes they took. He did a short run, then another.

The algorithm that always shows you more of what you spend time watching began to adapt. It showed him others, starting from small steps and building their strength and tenacity. It showed him ways of improving, and guided his thinking to focus on using his time and energy. He went from not doing much exercise to running every day. He improved his technique and his times. He had focus and purpose. Eventually, he ran a marathon. The young man who had once spent hours slumped on the sofa, scrolling on his phone, was starting to manage his depression and his behaviour.

The marathon wasn’t just about a run; it was about him finding who he was and what he could achieve. The family loved seeing him change and grow, and were there to cheer him on – at the race and online. Family and friends sent messages of encouragement and praise on social media, and this fuelled his enthusiasm to continue. He has booked to take part in more marathons.

Teaching and trusting

This experience stopped me from seeing social media in the usual negative way. Of course it can show awful things, and the algorithms can lead our children down unhealthy paths as easily as helpful ones. But perhaps the question isn’t simply “‘Is social media good or bad?’, but ‘How are we teaching our children to use it?’”

Our children weren’t allowed to have their own phones until they went to high school. But, towards the end of their primary school years, they were allowed to use a very basic model without internet access, so they could be in contact with us and their friends. I remember huge rows about making sure the phones were charged downstairs and not upstairs. They hated our rule that I was allowed to get their phones at any time and look at the last five posts or conversations. 

Once they were in high school I stopped overseeing their phone use – I had to trust that the help and support we’d put in place for them would keep them safe. We’d had lots of conversations about it, especially using social media. The basic idea was: if it’s not showing you something you want to be, scroll past. If it is, make sure the app is working for you. There are now safety features available to help you limit young people’s time on the apps: it’s a step in the right direction, but more needs to be done. 

I used to send my children lots of memes and reels showing positive things, or funny things, partly to populate their algorithm with goodness, because we are told: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

We can’t stop progress, and we certainly can’t put the interactive world back in the box

There have been times when our approach hasn’t worked for them. Once, one of my children rang me at two in the morning and said: “Mum, I need your help. This has happened on my social media.” They knew they could turn to me when it all went wrong. It’s all about building bridges and having honest conversations, knowing that they’ll be met with grace. 

I recently saw that there’s a trend among the over-25s to return to old cameras with their unfiltered images, and even to cheap phones with no internet access – the things we gave our children when they were young. These young adults are nostalgic for a simpler past, and aware of the problems surrounding infinite distractibility. One of my children uses an old phone during the day to text and listen to music, and allows herself time in the evening to scroll social media for relaxation.

We can’t stop progress, and we certainly can’t put the interactive world back in the box. But what we can do is say there’s no subject that can’t be talked about at home. To let our children know there will be no judgment about those conversations, and that they will always be loved and respected. Then we create an environment where everything can be discussed. And we can refuse to be fearful of the latest technology, but instead trust that God’s fatherly hand is over us all, including online. 

Rhiannon’s article will be continuing online.