As Generation Z cohort women navigate a world shaped by uncertainty, many are rethinking the place of motherhood in their lives. But beyond questions of timing and choice lies a deeper, more challenging invitation—one that calls for surrender, sacrifice, says Kimberley Pena-Medhurst and trust in something greater than ourselves.
As a dance movement psychotherapist, it is common that a catch up with a friend can quickly turn into a more in-depth, psychoanalytic, reflection on current affairs. This was the case with my friend and your editor, Tola-Doll Fisher. The introduction of my new-born son soon became a discussion on the complexities of motherhood, and how many women, particularly Gen Z, are choosing a life without children alongside mothers struggling with life with children. I made a ‘throwaway’ comment that the challenge of motherhood is that it demands the death of one’s ego, to surrender to the service of your dependent, it was this that gave birth to the invitation to write this piece.
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The decision to start trying for a child is layered because once you make the ‘choice’ you really are at the mercy of whether it will come to fruition at all.
The decision to start trying for a child is layered because once you make the ‘choice’ you really are at the mercy of whether it will come to fruition at all. The UCL Centre for Longitudinal Studies indicates that Gen Z are deciding on delaying having children due to financial, environmental and social factors; in many ways the current fractious state of our world is making the decision for them. But is motherhood ever a choice? Even in its initial stages, be it natural conception or medically supported, it requires a surrender to an outcome beyond one’s control.
In a society where we thrive on certainties and controllables, this scenario holds much angst about making the ‘right’ decision. Weighing up the pros and cons is endless and so, to bridge this dilemma, I have tended to refocus these to the ‘both/ands’. For example: Pro: raising children is really fulfilling. Con: it’s exhausting.
Reframing this to: Raising children is both really fulfilling and exhausting. By embracing the ‘both/and’ we open ourselves to the beautiful chaos that is motherhood.
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This stems from my own pre-birth and birth experience. Prior to having our son, we lived a very contented life as a family of three. The conversation to try for a sibling came and went, often leading with the pros and cons argument. Having a second child would significantly impact us financially BUT it would be lovely to give our daughter a sibling. These conversations went round in circles, but I was aware our ages kept advancing. In the end we surrendered the decision to God. We committed to try and agreed to be at peace with the outcome, either way. Sooner than we both expected we conceived our son. I then panicked - can we do this? How will we sustain a good quality of life? How will we juggle work and finances? All anxiety-based questions and all missing the blessing of new life growing within.
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The journey of becoming a mother is a blessing and a challenge, often demanding women raise children in isolation from their family communities. This is where our church families and indeed relationship with God, are paramount to lean into as the antidote to our missing village. Within all these blessed challenges there is testimony through suffering. Perhaps the trending decision against having children is a subconscious way to try and dance around the suffering, to avoid it. Avoid the disappointment of trying but not conceiving, the disappointment of a traumatic birth experience, the disappointment of a career slowing down and the missed opportunities while you centre your life around the role of mother.
But to dance around disappointment and suffering is to deny what it is to truly live, because in the suffering God holds us ever closer.
But to dance around disappointment and suffering is to deny what it is to truly live, because in the suffering God holds us ever closer. In the suffering that comes through the sacrifice we become walking testimonies of love embodied. Love that calls us to focus less on self-love, self-care, and self-validation and more on the love and life of another. Building a legacy that surpasses any ultimate career position or final bank statement, the legacy to lean into an experience of suffering while upheld in love, leading to generations of life to come.
Speaking from experience, the birth of our son was both traumatic physically and psychologically and for many weeks post-birth I was furious with God for blessing me with this pregnancy and then ‘making’ my husband and I experience that birth. My anger, however, was misdirected. My anger was not at God but at a society that convinced me a successful birth is one without suffering. The truth is that fullness of life comes in the surrender to both the highs and lows, while giving God all the glory. It infuriated me when people said, ‘Sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth but at least you have a healthy baby.’ The truth was I had a traumatic birth and I have a healthy baby. My baby was not the tonic to my suffering but rather my suffering was the prelude to my baby.
Ultimately, I see motherhood as an invitation to trust in God’s plan, not only for our own lives but for the generation yet to come, to model the capacity to seek joy, lean into suffering and lead with love. In many ways the ultimate invitation to embody the Christian faith. Perhaps the current rise in Christianity amongst Gen Z may see a baby boom yet to come… But that’s another article.
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