In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, Marcia Dixon answers a 28 year old woman who is worried she will never find a husband.
Dear Woman Alive,
I am twenty eight, and I have a list of what my ideal man would be - firstly that he is also a Christian - but a sold out Christian, not just a Sunday Christian if you know what I mean. I would also like him to be taller than me, into exercise, clever, funny and kind. I want a guy I respect, who makes me a better version of myself. However, I am still single, and I don’t know if I will ever find him. My friends are marrying off, and I worry that all the good guys are gone, and I should settle for something less than what I hoped for? There are a few guys in my church who are also single, and they definitely wouldn’t be my first choice, but am I being too picky? I want children, and so time feels like a big pressure on me. What do you suggest I do?
Dear Reader,
Firstly, let me say this: the search for a partner can be so arduous, time consuming, soul destroying and just plain hard but don’t let the search overwhelm you – especially as you’ve not reached 30 yet.
READ MORE: What it actually feels like to be single
And before I get to the nitty gritty of your question, let me add, don’t aspire for marriage because all your friends are tying the knot (even though it’s understandable you may be thinking ‘what about me?’). At 28, you definitely should not be thinking all the good guys have gone. They haven’t. We live in an era where the average age of marriage is getting higher, It’s 35 for men and 33 for women, so you have time on your side.
What may be problematic in your hunt for a partner is your list of requirements.
What may be problematic in your hunt for a partner is your list of requirements. Your first requirement is a good one. The primary quality someone wanting to be married should be looking for in a husband is a committed godly man. It means he will follow scripture, seek to treat his wife right and love her like Christ loved the church However all the other things you’ve listed you’d like in a partner, whilst important to you, they’re not the skills or qualities required to build a strong marriage.
Whilst it’s good to have an idea of the kind of man you want or have a list’ don’t be too rigid about it.
Whilst it’s good to have an idea of the kind of man you want or have a list’ don’t be too rigid about it. You may meet someone who could be a good husband for you but who doesn’t come in the ‘packaging’ you’d like so it’s important to be open. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t encourage any woman to marry a man who lacked intelligence, was unkind and had no sense of humour…what I am saying though is, be open.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am single - what do I do with my sexual desires?
I know so many Christian women who have gotten married to men who they weren’t initially attracted to or had the requisites on their list. However, in most instance the men they married were men of substance, of good character and more importantly made their wives feel cared for and cherished.
You state that there are a few men in your church who are single but they wouldn’t be your first choice. I have to ask why? Do you know them? Have you had a meaningful conversation with them? Have you been on a date with them?
As women, (I put my hand up here) we can make surface judgements about men , and not be discerning or even be open to hearing what the Holy Spirit has to say about them. Sometimes it’s good to go beyond the surface and just have a conversation with a guy – you never know what it could lead to. There’s plenty of marriages that started out as innocent friendships.
READ MORE: I felt God ask me to remain single and my book, Nun’s Drift, contains what I learned about acceptance
If marriage is your true desire, learn all you can about marriage. You know what you want in a husband, search out what a godly husband is looking for in a wife and speak to married couples about the intricacies of marriage and/or attend seminars on the subject. Failing that watch YouTube videos about marriage. And ask God to help you develop those godly wifely qualities.
I will close my answer by encouraging you to enjoy your life, pursue God’s purpose for your life, go out and socialise, if you get invited out on a date, if he’s decent Christian guy who’s single, say yes - even if you aren’t initially attracted to him. You might be pleasantly surprised and lastly be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit in finding the man for you. My prayer for you is to find him sooner rather than later, but if you don’t, love God, love yourself and love life.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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