In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, theologian Elaine Storkey explains what the Bible says about divorce.
Dear Woman Alive,
My Christian boyfriend was divorced because he and his ex-wife basically fell out of love with each other, does that mean he can’t re-marry?
Dear Reader,
The church’s position on marriage and divorce has traditionally followed Jesus’ teaching in Matthew’s gospel, chapter 19. He’s asked by the Pharisees whether it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason (19:3). The questioner aims to trap Jesus into alienating some of his followers. The Mosaic Law permitted divorce if a man found some ‘unncleanness’ in his wife (Deuteronomy 24:1-4) but two polarised rabbinic schools dominated the interpretation.
Shammai limited ‘uncleanness’ to mean sexual misconduct; Hillel allowed it to include burning husband’s dinner, talking to men in the street or going out with an uncovered head
Shammai limited ‘uncleanness’ to mean sexual misconduct; Hillel allowed it to include burning husband’s dinner, talking to men in the street or going out with an uncovered head. Rather than debate the point and take sides, Jesus returned them to the meaning of marriage: a ‘one-flesh’ bodily and spiritual union of male and female, ordained by God. What God joined together should not be separated. The Pharisees retaliated asking why then Moses had commanded husbands to give wives a certificate of divorce; Jesus pointed out this was not a command, simply a concession given because of hardness of men’s hearts. (19:6). Unless she’s committed some sexual offence (which could include before marriage) whoever divorces his wife, and remarries, commits adultery (19:8-9).
READ MORE: Moving on from divorce as a Christian woman
Note that Jesus’ comments were all about men because in the patriarchal society of his day only men were able to initiate divorce. A man could divorce his wife but a wife couldn’t divorce her husband. This left many women powerless because Hillel’s followers allowed them to be divorced for no good reason, against their will. They could be left stranded without resources. So Jesus was clearly protecting women.
Today, under UK law, both women and men are able to petition for divorce which is relatively easy to obtain.
Today, under UK law, both women and men are able to petition for divorce which is relatively easy to obtain. So Christians are left to work out how to apply Jesus’ teaching on marriage in a very different moral climate. The central biblical point is that marital love is still to be committed, mutual, faithful, permanent and unselfish. It is ‘for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health’ and until death parts. Marriage is not built on ‘falling in love,’ on whims or feelings because these romanticised forms of love often lack the persistence and maturity that defines real love. Marriage isn’t something we try to see if it will work. Marital love isn’t something you ‘fall out of.’ From a biblical point of view it is reciprocal self-giving as Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7, a new identity.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have fallen out of love with my husband, when is it ok to get a divorce?
So can your boyfriend marry again? Technically of course, he can. We live under British law which doesn’t require any reason for divorce, other than that the marriage has broken down. And in a culture which has elevated individualism and choice almost into a religion, the pressure to live as we choose is enormous. But may he, from a biblical point of view?
We have to set the biblical standards for human marital relationships alongside the impact of sin in our culture. We note the isolation of many married couples, the decline of extended family living and poor role models for marital faithfulness and commitment. People are not shown how to resolve conflict or ask for forgiveness. Blame is seeded into too many marriages. And someone contemplating a new marriage must face with openness and honesty, what went wrong before. Pleading ‘incompatibility’ isn’t enough – most couples have areas of difference or disagreement. Incompatibility on its own doesn’t break up a marriage – it’s broken by withdrawal of love. It’s important to pray for truth and wisdom about what was wrong.
READ MORE: Life after adultery and divorce
Yet God is always the God of redemption. Sometimes this means that a divorced couple are given the grace to remarry; I know Christian couples who have begun again and found a new depth of love. But far more often, separation becomes permanent and one or other partner finds a different person they want to spend their life with. The church recognises that God’s redemption is for all who ask him for it in faith and penitence. And following a broken marriage, God can forgive, heal the pain of the past, hear the longing for a redemptive future, and pour grace and blessing into the new union.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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