As a self-sufficient, successful Christian woman, am I too eligible to date?

A few years ago, I was caught off guard when a guy told me that I was intimidating. To be honest, I thought he must be delusional as – from my perspective – I’m approachable, encouraging, and altogether nonthreatening. So, I conducted a straw poll amongst my married male friends. Without exception and much to my bewilderment, they nervously said I’d be super intimidating to date because I present as a self-sufficient, successful, scholarly, and sophisticated woman – their words, not mine. In the words of Miley Cyrus, ‘I can buy myself flowers and talk to myself for hours’ or, as the viral TikTok video from earlier this year described women like me, I already have my evenings planned out feat. wine, a two-hour bubble bath, and a rewatch of Pride & Prejudice, and there’s no space in my itinerary for a guy.

READ MORE: ‘There’s no passage in the Bible about dating’

Fast forward to the present, I was scrolling through the news and saw an article entitled, ‘How women became “too eligible” to date’. With this epiphany still front of mind, I clicked on it straight away. But, to my surprise, its focus wasn’t on how men perceive women, but rather how women perceive guys they’re considering – or not considering – dating. And boy, it was challenging.

As a tertiary educated, late-twenty-something single, am I too eligible to date? 

As a tertiary educated, late-twenty-something single, am I too eligible to date? Or rather, and much more uncomfortably, do I think I’m too eligible to date? My gut reaction was absolutely not – riddled with self-doubt, I often wonder why anyone would want to date me. But when I really examined my heart, I think the answer to that question is potentially yes. Since becoming an adult, I’ve had my metaphorical dating blinkers on, convinced that my future spouse must have at least as many letters after his name – perhaps compounded by the fact I’ve exclusively lived in cities with world-class universities. What’s more, clouded by a myriad of (un)conscious biases and confined by a list of icks which are petty and prejudiced, my picture of a potential spouse is incredibly narrow – non-existent, even.

READ MORE: A Gen-Z guide to modern dating (Christians need help too)

Let’s zoom out for a minute and look at the stats. In recent decades, the gender gap in higher education has been reversed – women are much more likely to go to university and more likely to gain a first-class degree than their male counterparts. And most of these women want to date guys who have the same – or even better – educational qualifications than them. But this is statistically impossible, particularly within the church where there are nearly half a million more women than men in the church. So, there’s a far higher probability that I could date someone who works in a blue collar job, entered the workforce through an apprenticeship, or dropped out of university. But like many women, I don’t think I’ve ever truly considered the prospect of disassortative dating before.

 I don’t think I’ve ever truly considered the prospect of disassortative dating before.

READ MORE: What one gentle Bumble date taught me about the kindness of God

Jesus didn’t discriminate based on background; he focused on inner character and challenged social norms. And so, I’ve been challenged to apply the same mentality to my romantic life. When the Bible talks about being ‘unequally yoked’ in a marriage it’s not based on educational status, generational difference, or beauty, but rather relationship with Christ (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s not that stimulating conversation, age, and physical attraction don’t matter – they really do – but rather that we might be surprised as to the type of guy we find these with. Put simply, if they follow Jesus, give them a chance and see if the sparks start to fly and, as you do so, ask God to give you an open heart and mind about what your future spouse may be like.

I might come across as intimidating, but I’m not too eligible to date.