‘I grew up watching God change lives around the world – and it convinced me Jesus was real’

Your dad took over Alpha when you were very young. What was it like growing up as it expanded around the world?

Initially, Alpha was just run at church. As a child, I didn’t really know what he was doing – he was just at church alot! Then suddenly all these people started coming to HTB. They held a conference, not knowing how many people would turn up, and I think around 1,000 people came. Other churches wanted to know about Alpha.

Our family holidays suddenly changed. We’d gone from holidays in Hove, which my brothers and I still say were some of our favourites, to going to Hong Kong, Malaysia, Singapore, Africa and America. Every school holiday we were going somewhere different because people wanted to hear about Alpha. It was a small team then, so we would go along and help. Back then there were overhead projectors, and my brothers and I would put the slides on – sometimes upside down! We’d help sell some of my dad’s books. We were really part of it.

We started seeing Alpha go into prisons and people’s lives being totally transformed.

Were there particular stories from those years that impacted your own faith?

We started seeing Alpha go into prisons and people’s lives being totally transformed. Some of those people then became part of our church and community. As a teenager, you naturally ask: Do I want to follow this? Do I want to be my own person? But I kept seeing that Jesus was changing people’s lives. We heard stories of marriages that had fallen apart, then people came to faith and got back together. Or someone would come to faith and say: “I’ve been making loads of money, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to run a charity or do something that makes a difference.”

Being a vicar’s daughter can come with a lot of pressure. Did you ever rebel against your faith?

I think I’ve always felt that Jesus is real. I definitely had moments, though. I remember telling my parents when I was about 15: “I think I want to be a Buddhist,” because it seemed really cool at the time. They just said: “Lovely, darling.” They totally ignored it! Maybe internally they weren’t quite so relaxed. There were definitely times when I had difficult feelings about church. I think a lot of pastors’ kids can feel watched – as though everyone is assessing what you do and thinking that your behaviour reflects on your parents. Even if your parents don’t put that pressure on you, you can feel it from other people in church. I now have a real heart for pastors’ kids. I’ve discovered that some church networks run gatherings specifically for pastors’ children, and I remember thinking: I would have loved that growing up. It’s not always easy.

What happened to your faith when you left school?

I definitely didn’t follow the normal path. All my friends went to university, but I moved to Italy and studied fashion. During those years, I did wonder whether I wanted to move away from faith. But I always knew God was real. I remember walking into church and walking out again without speaking to anyone. For some people that would be an awful experience of church, but I thought: This is so great. No one knows who I am! I needed some time to be anonymous. I also dated someone who wasn’t a Christian. His outlook was very much about making money and having a nice life. Through that relationship I realised those things don’t necessarily make you happy. My faith was really important to me. It was almost a test of whether I could step away from it – and I knew that I couldn’t and, actually, I didn’t want to.

You studied fashion, but that eventually led you in a completely different direction. How did you end up working with survivors of trafficking?

I had actually gone to study fashion because I wanted to do mission work, but I felt I needed a practical skill. I studied pattern design – the actual making of clothes – because I thought having a skill would be more useful than simply going somewhere wanting to help. Soon afterwards, I went to India and lived in a home for girls who had been trafficked. I helped find ways for them to generate an income. We made hair clips and did sewing to provide work for them. While I was there, the man responsible for rescuing many of the girls ran a camp for trafficking survivors from different homes across India. He was a lawyer, and nearly everyone he employed was a lawyer. Being lawyers enabled them to prosecute brothel owners and traffickers and make sure the women were safe to return home. I realised: This is what is creating change. So while I was there, I applied to do a law degree. I came back to England, trained as a lawyer and qualified as a barrister. Then I returned to India and worked for Justice and Care.

I managed teams across different cities, and everyone on my team was male and Indian. I was the only woman and the only non-Indian, so it could be stressful.

Were there moments during that difficult work when you particularly experienced God’s presence?

It was really hard. The work was non-stop and sometimes things happened in the middle of the night. I managed teams across different cities, and everyone on my team was male and Indian. I was the only woman and the only non-Indian, so it could be stressful. There was a period when (my husband) Miles and I were finding everything really difficult. One night we were riding around on our motorbikes and suddenly saw a sign saying “prayer room”. There was something about it that made us think: This isn’t a Hindu prayer room. So we decided to go inside.

We went up these dirty, dark stairs and suddenly entered this huge room where worship music was playing. They had worship going 24/7. I remember thinking: I can’t believe we’ve found this in the middle of nowhere. Then they started playing a worship song that Miles had written! As we got up to leave, a man came over and said he felt he needed to tell us something. He started prophesying over us and spoke directly into everything we were feeling and going through. It was this incredible moment. We were somewhere we hardly knew, in this hidden place we didn’t even know existed, and God met us there. It was reassurance that God saw where we were and knew what we needed.

What eventually brought you back to England?

I got pregnant with my eldest and there were some difficulties around medical care, so the organisation recommended that I return to England. I found that really hard because it didn’t feel like my decision. Looking back, I think it was absolutely the right thing, but when a decision feels as though it’s being made for you before you’re ready, it can be very difficult. It also made me realise how much of my identity was wrapped up in my work. Before, someone would ask: “What do you do?” and I’d say: “I live in India, I work in anti-human trafficking and manage investigations.” Then suddenly people would ask: “What do you do?” and I’d say: “I’m a mum.” I remember telling someone a story about something we’d done in India and she said: “Wow, I thought you were just a mum.” And I thought: That is my fear – ‘just a mum’. But actually, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss that time with my children. Looking back, I can see it was a blessing.

Your children have incredible names – Brave, Freedom and Passion. Why did you choose them?

We gave them lots of names because we wanted to speak over who they are and who they’re going to become from the moment they were born. Sometimes their names feel completely normal to me now, and then someone reacts and I remember: Oh yes, I suppose they are unusual! Brave is Brave Elijah Fire Nicky Peace Ocean, Freedom is Freedom Justice Wildfire Corrie Tabitha Love. And Passion is Passion Daniel Fire Equality Colby Kindness.

There’s meaning behind all of them. It was really about speaking over who we believe they’re going to become. The only problem is that some of them struggle to spell all their names! We even got a call from the passport office saying: “Sorry, the name is too long. What would you like us to do?” Part of it had to go on another page of the passport.

You came back to England, had your three children and you’re now a mediator. How did that transition happen?

When I trained as a lawyer, mediation was part of the training. We did alternative dispute resolution because there was a desire to resolve things outside of court, and I remember really loving it. But at the time, I was completely set on going to India. After having all three children and taking a career break, I started thinking about work again. My third child was still really little when I heard about a mediator being brought in to help resolve a bin strike in Brighton, where we were living at the time. I remember thinking: That’s what I want to do. I want to resolve bin strikes and things like that!

So I trained as a mediator and initially started mediating in the community between neighbours. Then I trained as a workplace mediator and started doing mediation in workplaces. I’ve also done intergenerational mediation, which is essentially between adult children and their parents who have fallen out. That’s becoming a much bigger issue in the UK and the US. It’s almost one in four people who don’t speak to a family member.

Wow. Why do you think that is?

There are a lot of factors. Some people say that historically people have always fallen out with family members. It comes to wills and money, and relationships break down. That is true. But I think what’s happening at the moment is that there’s also been a change in our culture – in how we see family and how we deal with things that we find difficult. Often, a parent and child will have an interaction that’s really difficult. They have a fight, and that’s actually quite normal – relationships can be tense and difficult.

But what can happen now is that the child goes on their phone and something pops up on social media saying: “Three characteristics of a toxic parent.” They think: I’ve just had that fight with my parent and they did all three of those things. My parent is a toxic parent. Meanwhile, the mum or parent goes on social media and sees something like: “Three characteristics of an entitled child and why they’re not grateful for the sacrifices you’ve made for them.” They think: Yes, that is literally my child.

So these things can affirm and reinforce what people are already feeling. You can then join groups that reinforce it further. I think that’s one of the factors. There are lots of other things that play into it, but I think that is making it much harder.

Relationships are really difficult. I think we need to remember that and not expect them not to be.

I feel like you’re a very peaceful person – you carry peace, and your job is essentially to try to bring peace into situations where there is disunity. How much do you pray before or during a mediation, or ask God for wisdom?

A lot. And sometimes I’ve mediated between Christians and they pray too, and I think: Wow, it’s so nice to know it’s not just me! Relationships are really difficult. I think we need to remember that and not expect them not to be. These conversations can be incredibly tense. There was a stage where I would always have a migraine the next day because of the tension, particularly when you bring people together. I have to remind myself: It’s not my responsibility. I’m here to facilitate this. But yes, I pray a lot. Sometimes I’ve asked other people to pray too. Obviously, I don’t share any of the details, but I might say: “I’ve got a mediation today and I’d really love your prayers.”

Then, when people are able to reconcile and make peace, you think: This is the best job in the world. It’s an amazing thing to be part of because there’s that verse about Jesus reconciling us and giving us the ministry of reconciliation. I really want to help people reconcile.

I think things are getting harder. There’s much more division and conflict, and more of a feeling that if I don’t agree with someone, I fundamentally can’t be in relationship with them. We’ve lost some of our ability to deal with differences and difficulties. No relationship is perfect. There are going to be struggles. We’re not going to agree with everyone. People are going to do things that upset us. But can we cope with that? Can we manage it? Different academics have now researched estrangement – the cutting off of relationships – and written books about it. They’ve found that people who are able to reconcile after an estrangement can experience enormous personal growth. There can be so much freedom in it.

The thought can be: I’ll feel much better if I pull away from this relationship. In some ways, that does give you a bit of freedom because you don’t have to deal with it. But the research suggests there can be something incredibly valuable in being able to overcome some of those difficulties and reconcile.

If family estrangement is on the rise and someone reading this isn’t currently in a relationship with a family member, what would you recommend?

What I’ve discovered recently is that there’s actually a lot of help out there. I went to a conference where different therapists and academics were speaking about the subject, and there’s practical advice about what you can do. One thing they talk about is sometimes called an “atonement letter”. You write to the person you’re estranged from in the hope of reconciliation and take responsibility for whatever you can. That doesn’t mean saying: All the problems are my fault, because normally people don’t feel that way. But are there things you can say: I really wish I’d done that differently. I’m really sorry for how that might have been for you. I wish I’d thought more about how that was going to affect you. Take responsibility for what you can.

A letter can be easier than a phone call or speaking in person because it gives the other person control over when they read it and how they respond to it. Some people even suggest sending a postcard because they don’t have to make the decision to open it – the message is simply there. That can be a first step: saying sorry for what you can, taking responsibility for what you can and saying that you’re open to a conversation.

Then, if they are open to talking, it can be helpful to have a third party there because these conversations can be difficult. That’s what I do as a mediator, but family therapists can do that as well. There are also books and support groups that can help. But I think if you’re going to join a group, it’s important that it doesn’t simply reinforce one side. If you join a group where it’s, We’re the parents and we’re really angry with our children, or, We’re the children and we’re really angry with our parents, you can end up fuelling that anger and frustration and reinforcing the idea that one side is the victim and the other is the perpetrator.

Obviously, there are situations where there has been abuse or something really awful has happened, and I’m not talking about those circumstances. Sometimes boundaries are really important. I’m talking about adult children who aren’t living with their parents or in a vulnerable situation, where a relationship has broken down and there may still be a possibility of reconciliation. There is help out there and there is hope. People do reconcile after estrangement.

If you’re a Christian, I think you want to pray, but also be willing to humble yourself and make contact. Write the letter. Take responsibility for the things you can take responsibility for and see where that lands. You never know what’s going on for the other person. But you can pray that it lands well and that, eventually, it opens the door to a conversation.

Relationships are complicated, particularly family relationships, because there is so much history involved.

So do you think we’ve lost some of our ability to work through conflict?

I think sometimes we have. Relationships are complicated, particularly family relationships, because there is so much history involved. People can stop communicating, misunderstandings build up and positions become entrenched. That’s why I think mediation can be so powerful. You’re creating a space where people can actually listen to one another and try to understand what has happened, rather than simply defending their own position. You can’t necessarily fix every relationship, and reconciliation isn’t always possible or appropriate. But where it is possible, helping people find a way through conflict rather than simply walking away from one another feels really significant.

And as a Christian, reconciliation must have a particular significance for you?

Yes. Reconciliation is at the heart of the Christian faith, so I think there’s something really meaningful about being involved in that work. We’re living at a time when there seems to be so much division, not just in families but across society, and being able to help people communicate and find a way forward feels increasingly important.

You recently took your children travelling through Asia. Was part of that wanting them to experience what you experienced growing up?

Yes. About a year and a half ago, we took our children out of school and went to Asia for six months. We met so many amazing people and visited incredible churches. We were blown away by what God is doing. In Vietnam, we met an English man who had explored all sorts of spirituality and New Age practices. He was living in Vietnam and still searching. One day he got on the back of a motorbike taxi and the driver crashed. He came off the bike and suddenly lost his sight. There was blood everywhere and he was terrified.

In that moment, he thought: If there is a God, I think it’s the Christian God. So he prayed: “If you’re there, God, bring back my eyesight.” He said his sight came back immediately and he felt this incredible sensation wash over his whole body. Afterwards he started searching for Christians, eventually found an international church and did Alpha. It completely changed his life. He’s now in Bible school. He told us this story while we were eating noodles, and our children were sitting there listening. A few weeks later, I heard two of them talking. One said: “How do we know God’s real?” The other said: “Obviously he’s real. How did that guy get his eyesight back?” I felt so grateful that they were getting to hear these stories for themselves.

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