What can we teach girls about problematic men?

The sad reality is that the world is not always safe for young girls, or boys. Sadly, neither is the Church. While the majority of cases involving sexual abuse involve girls and women, recent Church scandals, such as the one involving Mike Pilavachi from Soul Survivor and John Smyth from the Church of England, are sober reminders that abuse affects boys as well as girls.

Teaching autonomy

Whether you’re a mother, aunt, youth worker or mentor to young people, it is vital to teach and model a world in which people respect each other’s bodies from the very beginning. 

There are simple things we can do to enforce the message that children’s bodies are their own, for example by not forcing a hug from Grandma, and using language to ensure our children understand that physical affection is optional. These moments might seem inconsequential in the greater scheme of things, but they are small, subtle ways in which we can teach children about body autonomy.

I recently read a book called The Myth of Good Christian Parenting by Kelsey Kramer McGuinness and Marissa Franks Burt about how influential men with few credentials, such as James Dobson, persuaded parents that their methods of authoritarian parenting were effective. This book centres around the US, where forms of patriarchal Christian fundamentalism are much more extreme than in the UK. But, even so, I’ve heard modern-day British parents recommend Dobson. 

Using corporal punishment erodes any sense that a child has autonomy over their own body. If we want to help to protect our girls then that starts by being a church that says a loud “No!” to physically hurting children as a form of discipline. 

We also need to have open and ongoing conversations with young people about freedom, autonomy and some warning signs to be aware of. 

Abusers use grooming techniques to gain the trust of those they seek to abuse, as well as their families, such as love bombing, compliments, gifts, making their targets feel special. This isn’t about being paranoid, or mistrustful of those who genuinely want to love their neighbours. But it is about discerning the difference when there’s a hidden agenda.   

Guarding against narcissistic leadership

Have you ever been taught in church settings that we shouldn’t trust our feelings? That “the heart is deceitful above all things”, as Jeremiah 17:9 says? While that is from the Bible, we have to be careful how we interpret it. Our feelings are part of the way we have been “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) in the image of God. On the contrary, we must teach our girls that if something doesn’t feel right, if they get an uncomfortable knot in their stomach in the presence of someone, then they should trust their God-given instincts. 

This isn’t something to consider just in terms of sexual abuse but of narcissism in general, which can be the route of all kinds of abuse – including emotional and spiritual. The book When Narcissism Comes To Church by Chuck DeGroat explores how those with narcissistic personalities often gravitate towards the limelight of church leadership. DeGroat explains how these people often ooze wit, charm and charisma. They dazzle people with their compliments to gain their trust, and then, once trust is established, they often turn against someone, and begin an assault of gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. Narcissists create a false reality in which they are never the perpetrator. People around the narcissist will often believe their version of events, having been deceived by the surface charm. The problem is not just ‘problematic men’, but those in our culture who support and enable them. 

We can teach our girls about narcissism, but also be aware of it ourselves so that we are careful not to enable narcissism in the Church. When it’s all about a particular pastor, a church or a denomination, we should be wary. Yes, God can work in extraordinary ways through particular people and churches at specific times. However, there’s a subtle distinction between focusing on what God is doing, and elevating man. 

As a new believer, I remember hearing about a problem within church and the pastor complaining that a woman who was causing difficulties was “not submitting to him”. At the time I thought that’s what we had to do as church members. A few years later, I began to understand that as followers of Christ we are meant to be in mutual submission to each other (Ephesians 5:21). In Jesus’ topsy turvy world the leader is a servant, not someone who controls.   

I can see how slightly distorted teaching could become ammunition for an abuser in a position of power in the Church. That’s why it’s so important that, as well as seeking out good teachers, we also read the Bible for ourselves – while listening to the Holy Spirit living inside of us to teach us directly. 

In this fallen world, powerful men doing horrific things is a horrible reality, but the Bible is the roadmap for navigating the dangerous terrain.