REAL TALK: I think my husband is watching porn

Dear Woman Alive,

I have been married for 8 years, and recently I have an inkling that my husband is watching porn. We are both Christians, and I don’t want to go into why I think he is watching it, but I would like advice on what to do. Do I confront him without proof, do I try and get proof? Do I just pray as ask God to convict him. I feel a distance between us, and I am sure this is the reason, I am really desperate to know what to do, while also feeling very angry at my husband.

Dear Reader 

This is a complicated issue and a painful one to navigate in a marriage. It can feel even more complex for a Christian marriage as there can be the belief that it is not as common for Christians. However, pornography use in Christian men is very similar to non-Christian men (between 54-75%), so it is important not to dismiss it as an issue which doesn’t impact the church. It can feel very isolating for this reason so it’s not surprising you’ve reached out in this way. 

READ MORE: My husband was addicted to porn for 20 years

You mentioned that you don’t have any proof, rather an ‘inkling’ that he may be using porn. First, I would like to acknowledge your intuition, regardless of whether your husband is using porn, you have sensed a distance between you both, and this would be the starting point of any advice I have.  

Before you speak with him, pray for clarity and peace.

Before you speak with him, pray for clarity and peace. It is normal that you are feeling angry with him, but wisdom which comes from focusing on God will help you with the words and discernment you will need for this important conversation. You are right, God is the only one who can bring him to conviction if that is what is needed, but it is also God who is the one who can resolve this conflict through helping you to communicate lovingly and with grace. 

I would suggest talking to him about this distance you are experiencing sooner rather than later, as waiting, or starting to gather ‘evidence’ will only build further distrust and worry and is likely to escalate conflict. You could frame this as telling him that you are feeling disconnected from him and want to talk about what is going on. Try to open the conversation with a focus on rekindling your connection rather than confrontation. If he is accessing porn, it is very likely that he will be experiencing a variety of emotions including shame and therefore might feel defensive. You say you have been married for eight years so you will probably know what sort of reaction to expect. If you think his reaction might make you unsafe, please seek support from trained professionals such as those at Refuge. 

READ MORE: As Billie Eilish speaks out about the dangers of porn, the church needs to realise lust isn’t just a ‘male problem’

If after talking to him you discover he is not using porn, I would still suggest exploring with him why distance has crept between you. 

If after talking to him you discover he is not using porn, I would still suggest exploring with him why distance has crept between you. Marriage changes over time as you both grow and circumstances change, so keeping the lines of communication wide open will be key to sustaining a loving and trusting relationship. 

You said that you are desperate to know what to do which tells me you are keen for restoration in your marriage. You also said that you do have an idea why he might be doing it, but I caution against speculation in this as it often lands in self-blame. Matthew 5:29 reminds us of our responsibility to deal decisively with our own temptations, so it is important to remember that your husband is responsible for his own actions. You are not responsible for his porn use, whether your worries are menopause related, mental health, changes to your body or anything else you can think of.  

READ MORE: Romantasy is the new porn, but no one wants to admit it

If it does turn out that he is accessing porn, then this conversation will be the start of a journey for you both. While accessing porn may have started with a choice, addiction alters the brain and it is likely that it is going to take more than him simply exercising self-control to be free of it. If he is committed to change then it is his responsibility to do the necessary work to address the behaviour as well as earn your trust back. Many couples have successfully navigated this issue together and come out of it stronger, but you may need some professional help through counselling as well as a strong joint commitment to restoration. 

You are not alone in this issue; your feelings are understandable. The hurt you feel at the distance between you and your husband expresses the desire you have for a happy marriage which honours God. You can’t control his actions, but you can choose your own response. Bring all of it to God and speak honestly with your husband.  

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk