My dad died and then, 3 months later, the man I thought I’d marry broke up with me. Here is how God helped me to trust him again

After two decades in the UK, aged 44, I moved back to Canada to be near my family and my elderly father. I hadn’t dated anyone seriously for 14 years and as a Christian, had been praying for many years for this to change. I’d received many prophetic words of encouragement from a variety of people about meeting someone, and always believed marriage would be part of my story, and believed (and still do) that it was God’s will for me.

My sister in Canada knew a great single Christian man, and wanted me to meet him.

My sister in Canada knew a great single Christian man, and wanted me to meet him. I was definitely open to the possibility. I truly thought this was the next phase of my life potentially opening up! We started dating not long after I arrived (hello, new beginnings!) and were together for five months before he sat me down and told me he didn’t want any more children, as he had two adult children already.

I was shocked and incredibly confused. This wasn’t part of my plan at all! However, I prayed about it and believed God was leading me to stay, to wait and not make any changes to our relationship. I had no idea how to process this, and thought maybe God would change my boyfriend’s mind about children.

Months later, my father died. Not totally unexpectedly, but suddenly. I loved my dad deeply, 

Months later, my father died. Not totally unexpectedly, but suddenly. I loved my dad deeply, and he was relieved to know I was going to be ‘taken care of’ after his passing. However, it wasn’t to be, at least not in the way we were both expecting. My romantic relationship limped along for another three months before he ended things; a first for me in my relationship history. I was devastated, and without my dad as my anchor, felt afraid and totally unmoored. I couldn’t imagine starting over again at 46.

The worst part of it all, surprisingly, was the change in my relationship with God. I thought I could walk through the grief and disappointment to some degree, but I just couldn’t understand why God let me go through that, and whether I ‘heard’ him wrong. If I’m not ‘hearing right’ and going through such devastation as a result, what am I doing? I felt more than let down - I felt betrayed. I had to work through anger, bitterness, shame, pride and self-sufficiency that rose up as I thought - I’ll just have to go it alone. I can’t trust what I’m hearing from God anymore. Yet, distancing myself from him felt lonelier than anything else.

As the years went by, the biggest key for me in dealing with the emotional fallout, healing from the lies that burned in my mind and learning to truly trust him, lay in actually getting to know his character. As I worked through my emotions with help from counsellors, friends and spiritual leaders, I decided to lay down my need to understand what happened, and choose to trust him. After all, as Peter said to Jesus, ‘But Lord, where [else] would we go?..’ (John 6:68, TPT).

I had to lean in to verses such as ‘…God is pure light. You will never find even a trace of darkness in him.’ (1 John 1:5b TPT) as well as choosing to believe that it’s not in his nature or even within His capacity to harm me. He may allow me to be hurt, inevitable as this may be, but he will not harm me - he just can’t. It was during a recent illness, lying in hospital, that he gave me a revelation of himself as One who holds all the hurt and suffering in the world, past and present, and is not overwhelmed by it - he sees it all, can actually help with it all, and is still full of joy.

If he sees all that, is available to all who call to him, and is still full of joy and peace. He is big enough for me, and someone I can confidently choose to trust.