GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I feel bitter towards my dead husband

Dear Woman Alive,

I feel bitter towards my dead husband, how can I move on? We were married for nearly fifty years, and he sadly died earlier this year. Since his death, it has come to light how badly he dealt with our finances, and how much he spent on rubbish - even re-mortgaging our home without telling me. He was a Christian, and I know he had his own struggles, but I feel so angry at how he has left me and our two adult children. 

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your honesty, and I want to begin by acknowledging your pain. What you’re feeling is valid. Grief is already a heavy burden, and when it’s mingled with betrayal or deep disappointment, especially from someone you loved and trusted, it can feel overwhelming.

READ MORE: Kate Garraway has just gone back to work after the funeral of her husband, here is my advice to her, as a widow myself.

Your anger is not sinful - it’s a signal. Anger, especially after loss, is a normal and even necessary part of the grieving process. It’s not wrong to feel angry, even at someone who has died. God made us emotional beings, and in Scripture, we see faithful people pour out their emotions to God without shame. David, in the Psalms, often cried out in confusion, anger, and lament.

What matters now is what you do with the anger. Bitterness left unchecked can harden your heart, but anger expressed honestly before God can lead to healing. Tell him everything. He already knows, and he’s big enough to handle your pain.

In Hebrews 12:15, we are warned: “See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Bitterness takes root when pain is unspoken or unresolved. It can slowly affect your relationships, your sense of peace, and even your faith. But when you name it, like you’re doing now, and bring it into the light, you invite Jesus into the wound.

READ MORE: Recently widowed, Dolly Parton shares her assurance that she will see her husband again

Have you considered writing a letter to your husband, not to send, but to express what you need to say? Write down what hurt you, what you wish you could say to his face. Then bring that letter before God in prayer, maybe even in the presence of a trusted friend, pastor, or counsellor.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay. It doesn’t mean denying the impact of his choices. But it does mean releasing your right to hold on to judgment or vengeance. This may feel impossible now, but God’s grace can help you take small steps.

READ MORE: An unnamed Biblical woman reminds us never to cling onto something small when God says to give it up, he has so much more in store

Forgiveness in this context might begin with saying: “Lord, I don’t know how to forgive him for what he did. But I’m willing to let You begin that work in me.”

In Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Notice it’s in the daily prayer—this suggests forgiveness is ongoing. Your grief isn’t just about the loss of your husband’s life; it’s about the loss of trust, security, shared hopes for retirement, perhaps even the loss of how you once saw your marriage. All of that needs to be grieved too.

God doesn’t rush your grief. He walks with you in it. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

This is not a journey you have to walk alone. Have you spoken with your children about how you’re feeling? They may be struggling in similar ways. There’s healing power in shared grief when it’s honest. Also, consider seeking out a Christian grief or counselling group, either locally or online. Sometimes just knowing you’re not the only one with these complex feelings can help ease the burden.

God knows every hidden detail, of your husband’s choices and of your heart. He is both just and merciful. You are not left to carry the consequences alone. Even now, he is your provider, your comforter, and your strength. Isaiah 61 tells us that he gives “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

It will take time. Healing isn’t linear. But God is not finished with your story.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk