‘In this mother-and-daughter relationship, we are fiercely for each other, fiercely opinionated and fiercely determined to set an example for what a mother-daughter relationship could and should look like,’ says Jessica Stark.
She is my mother, and I love her.
We are both the eldest daughter of our families, both highly prophetic, we both love all things cow print, we love a hearty Irish stew, both love to wander around a cathedral when on holiday, both refuse to eat lamb, we were both raised in ministry families and we both adore swimming, we both cannot stand black shoes with navy jeans, and we both moved from brunette to platinum blond simultaneously. The list could go on!
But it’s not our similarities that make us such a winning combination, it’s the story that has been woven between years of sacrifice and ferocity amongst two highly opinionated women and a very regular display of love and affection.
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As a child you are very much in training. As much as you think you do, you really don’t know everything and that strict northern Irish mother you have got? She actually does just want the best for you. But the idea of friendship for me was just off the cards, she was my mother, and I was her daughter, she was right and I was wrong, and anything without a sense of strict boundaries, like a friendship, was not even to be considered an option.
Both my mother and father left their full-time, well-paying corporate jobs to start a ministry.
With all that in mind, I will add grace to our situation because our home was not very ordinary. Both my mother and father left their full-time, well-paying corporate jobs to start a ministry. Though it was all for the Lord and he provides, anyone who goes into full-time Christian ministry will tell you, that the financial toll it takes is high, the stress and strain of leadership is not kind. I am sure my mother could say it can feel all sacrifice and no gain for many many years.
Raising three very young children while birthing this new baby meant order and discipline at home was a must. Room inspection was integrated into our family’s routine; it was the first sign of this new lifestyle, no mess allowed and phrases like “Jessica, when do you do it?” “First time, mummy” were added to the family vocabulary.
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Entering adulthood saw the greatest shift in our relationship as mother and daughter. I do not believe it was as simple as she got soft, and I got smarter; I think I just began to appreciate the sacrifice. I saw the levels of exhaustion she was operating under in her work, and yet she still chose to be kind, she still chose to loudly adore her family. Now she is travelling a lot and many call her ‘mother’ across the globe, she made it clear who her first priority is, and that it us, her immediate family. Now, that is pretty phenomenal to me.
The term best friend is laughed at in my household, you see, she is my best friend
The term best friend is laughed at in my household. She is my best friend… according to her. However, I cannot be her best friend as that title is reserved for my father. And yet, we absolutely adore being in each other’s company and feel a strong sense of lack when we have been apart for too long.
We became intentional with the time we spent together. I was off to university, and she was always in some nation across the globe working, so spending time together became such an exciting event that we looked forward to. We began to enjoy each other’s company. I liked her opinions and began to share them instead of instantly putting up that defensive wall that daughters do. She began asking for my opinion on things, and slowly I saw levels of vulnerability I had not yet seen in her.
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Becoming friends with my mother did not happen overnight. The title of mother and daughter has not changed, it simply means something a little different to what it used to. She is not just a parent, she is a woman with stories and big emotions, I now listen with empathy, and she listens to my experiences with curiosity. There is a mutual respect that came through a process of healing, learning, and forgiving, mostly on my part…ok, fully on my part.
There are times when old habits resurface, and I snap back into the patterns of conflict that had defined the early years of our relationship. But now the ‘I’m sorry’ and the ‘I forgive you’ have become a whole lot easier.
She is not yet at the age or stage where I am caring for her, she doesn’t need to move into retirement and our family holidays are still just my parents and my siblings. But she is a woman I love beyond just the role of mother. She is a woman whose opinions I like, whose stories I listen to, whose heart I understand better.
In this mother-and-daughter relationship, we are fiercely for each other, fiercely opinionated and fiercely determined to set an example for what a mother-daughter relationship could and should look like.
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