In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ the Woman Alive panel answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us a confidential email on firstname.lastname@example.org and ask us anything. Here, we tackle; if it’s ’unchristian’ to have a ‘quickie’ with your husband.
If what you’re asking is: “Is it okay for me to be intimate with my husband”, my answer is an unequivocal: absolutely! However, if that was the extent to your question, I’m not sure you’d be writing to us. So to start, let’s get a bit scientific about this.
The word “quickie” is defined in the Cambridge Dictionary as: something done or had quickly, especially sex or an alcoholic drink. The colloquial definition of the word is defined in the Urban Dictionary (where almost anyone can upload a definition) as: A sexual activity done in a quick, orderly fashion. If you scroll down (at your own peril) on the results listed on Urban Dictionary, you’ll notice that the responses are often accompanied by references to what some may call illicit sexual practices. That is, affairs and one night stands. So for Christians, the word quickie comes with some negative associations because affairs and one night stands are widely understood to be outside of God’s blueprint for a covenant relationship.
Physical connection is super important between couples.
I imagine that’s the reason why you question whether it is “unchristian”. However a “quickie”, in this urban sense, with your husband is actually an oxymoron because there is nothing illicit about enjoying a consensual sexual experience with your husband. I applaud your dedication to keeping that physical desire aflame because sex can so quickly get pushed to the side during busy work lives.
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Physical connection is super important between couples and is, I’d argue, an unmatched intimacy for those who are able. I recently chatted with a newly married friend who told me about some issues with what appeared to be a mismatch in sexual drive between her and her husband. She said he wanted sex, all the time and she got frustrated at his timing since he would often try to pull her back to bed just as they were about to leave the house. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have sex with her husband, but she just felt that it was ill-timed and it made her feel anxious about being late for work.
I empathised and with further conversation learned that the real issue was him wanting to be fully naked and in bed, whenever they had sex. My friend saw this as unnecessary and said she would be far more likely to initiate and respond to his sexual advances, if it could be less of a full on production and more a half time event. In other words, a “quickie”.
There are many variations and ways of experiencing sex that can look very different.
Christians have sometimes – although not always – been brought up on a much regimented idea of sex; that you have to be lying down and in bed and that the man has to be on top. But there are many variations and ways of experiencing sex that can look very different. You don’t actually have to be fully undressed to be intimate and you can be sitting down or standing up. Don’t let anyone tell you that the thrill of these quick intimacies mean that it is wrong or shameful. As long as both you and your husband are on board, you’re in for a great ride.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel.