Writer Joy Roxborough reflects on the roots of conflict and offers faith-based strategies for navigating relationships. Through scripture and personal insight, she shares ways to approach discord with grace and perspective.
Since the Fall, conflict has been ingrained in human DNA, affecting human relationships ever since. Consider the way Adam and Eve responded to each other when that very first conflict arose in Eden: blame shifting and each maintaining the uprightness of their position. In defending themselves, they both made valid points, though neither of them were objective enough to paint a complete picture of the sequence of events.
The problem persisted through the human race and manifested in the relationship between their children, ending tragically in the first murder. Should it be any surprise then when conflicts show up in any or all of our relationships today?
READ MORE: Can egalitarians and complementarians really get along?
When I was younger, I handled conflicts by ruminating on them in destructive ways. I’d go over the scenarios in my mind, injecting the verbal abuse I’d hurl at the offending party if they ever mistreated me in future. Needless to say, I would be even more agitated by the time I had righted the wrong in my imaginary world.
I am older now and I have found several strategies that are helping me to navigate the choppy waters of conflictual relationships
I am older now and I have found several strategies that are helping me to navigate the choppy waters of conflictual relationships, particularly in platonic relationships. The principles, though, apply to all relationships.
Unpicking the biblical account of the messy, complex set of relationships between Sarai, Hagar and Abram has been instructive. There is Sarai: jealous, furious, perhaps loathing even more her barrenness in the face of Hagar’s pregnancy; Hagar: cocky about her perceived altered position in the household as the one carrying the master’s only child; and Abram in the middle of two warring women, unable to do right for doing wrong.
READ MORE: 7 ways to combat overwhelm
Despite the complexity and messiness of the situation, God ‘saw’ Hagar when she ran away. He understood her side of the story and without delivering a judgement on anyone, because he understood their perspectives too, he stepped into the middle of the mess and directed Hagar, no doubt for her own safety and sustenance, to humbly return to Sarai.
The first strategy I found when facing conflict is to realise that God sees me too. As my High Priest, he understands my emotions and my judgements which are sometimes misguided and is willing to direct me in actions I may need to take to bring about resolution. The second strategy is for me to realise that just as God sees me, he also sees the other parties involved. His grace is sufficient for them as it is sufficient for me.
The third strategy is to realise that some relationships are for a season.
The third strategy is to realise that some relationships are for a season. People’s needs and desires may change and as a result relationships may break down irreconcilably in the face of conflict. When people feel the need to move on from closeness with each other in the aftermath of conflict, if each party can learn to hold the other in high regard, recognising that person as God’s ‘poema’ even if that party was definitely in the wrong. This can stand one in good stead to allow the other to move on.
The fourth strategy stems from my observation that God brings new people into my life when some leave. Newcomers may be more aligned to what I and they need in the current season. In the midst of his conflicts, David experienced newcomers into his company. Whereas in Adullam, the people around him were mainly in distress (1 Sam. 22:2), another season saw him in Ziklag, surrounded by mighty men (1 Chron. 11-12).
READ MORE: Hagar: Trafficking and sex slavery
The fifth strategy is to embrace the truth that everything, including relationships, are part of the temporary world and that relationships will only be perfect when we are changed for eternity and live in a new world with Christ. Part of this is also recognising that God is the only one who can love each of us perfectly and unconditionally.
Finally, whenever I find myself ruminating on the history of a conflict, I free myself by offering a brief prayer for the other person. Allowing the foregoing points to spur me on to holding others in high esteem, even in the event of a permanent relationship breakdown, helps me to remain open to a renewal, perhaps of a different kind, in the future.
No comments yet