On friendship

I asked a friend what the Netflix show Stranger Things was about because I am not a huge fan of horror. I was politely informed that the show is actually about the power of friendship. At the heart of the story is the idea that friendship is a force for good; it enables people to survive difficult circumstances and is defined by sacrifice and loyalty, underpinned by the recurring reminder that “friends don’t lie”.  

Friendship is a bit of an enigma. I’m sure most of us will have experienced the power of friendship and know we are hardwired for it. Yet many of us will have also discovered that friendship can be complex and fragile; it can evoke mixed feelings of heartache and disappointment, leaving us cautious at the possibility of letting someone in. 

I wish I could say that my understanding of the complexities of friendship came over decades of life experience, but it was actually in the primary school playground that I discovered that friendships were far from straightforward. I remember friendships forged during different stages and seasons of life, and I still smile at the thought of all the friends who have graced my life with their presence. Many friendships were created by similar circumstances, interests, affinities and values. Some have stayed with me for decades and others haven’t. I have spent many hours pondering why some friendships were seasonal while others sustained and stood the test of time. 

Managing expectations

During the pandemic, all of us had to take serious stock of who our actual friends were. I remember three female friends I connected with regularly; we spoke honestly, laughed loudly and wept boldly together. The bubble had forced us to pick our people and reminded us that we needed one another. I have observed in recent years how friendship drama has been a frequently recurring theme for many women. Research suggests that when it comes to our closest friendships, women integrate friendship far more intentionally into their personal network and this means that women have higher expectations around support and intimacy than men. We also often associate fun and recreation with friendship, so don’t necessarily anticipate conflict or difficult conversations. Expectations and conflict make friendship complicated. 

In female friendships, Danielle Bayard Jackson indicates that there are three affinities of symmetry, secrecy and support (as referenced in her book Fighting for our Friendships). All three help us to create a sense of intimacy but also make our friendships particularly sensitive and susceptible to disruption. Women value symmetry, which CS Lewis describes in friendship like this: “Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’” (from his book The Four Loves). We also prioritise and look for emotional support and a sense of exclusivity, which enables us to share the inner parts of who we are with each other. Because navigating conflict in friendship is difficult, we sometimes find it hard to say what we really think to each other, and then consequently have to live in the space of the unspoken and unsaid, where we sense something is off but can’t quite articulate what exactly is wrong. 

The power of life together

The writer of Proverbs reminds us that friendship is a great source of love, support, honesty and counsel. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17) and “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). We miss out on so much potential richness in our lives if we are not intentional about friendship. But sometimes the biblical wisdom can feel aspirational rather than actual. So how can we reframe our perspective to rediscover the power of friendship? 

Jesus says: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends…I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:13,15). Jesus calls you His friend. That’s the best place to start. Friendship with Jesus has been the source of healing and hope in many of my friendships. I look to my relationship with God first to fuel me for friendship; it calibrates my expectations and provides me with the resources to love and forgive well whenever conflict or misunderstanding arise. 

Jesus generally had four relational spheres: His personal relationship with God the Father, His core group of three (Peter, James and John), His community of twelve (the disciples) and a slightly larger group. He did encounter crowds but did not spend the majority of His time there. He was intentional about doing life with a small group of people. Jesus deeply valued friendship. The relational model Jesus had in His life is a helpful tool for us to reflect on the health of our own relational spheres. 

I have wrestled with Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s thoughts in his book Life Together, because he believed that community is not something we can create but is a reality established by Jesus which we are allowed to step into. He writes that: “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” Our Christian faith reframes our understanding of friendship entirely; it enables us to pursue friendship with people who are both similar and different to us. Humanly speaking, we naturally gravitate towards people who are like us, but Jesus breaks down human barriers to cultivate kingdom-shaped friendships. We may think we choose our friends but God is very much already at work behind the scenes, drawing people to us in ways we cannot plan, predict or control. 

We actually don’t need to overthink it too much when it comes to friendship; we just need to prayerfully decide in our hearts to ‘go again’. By that I mean being open, trusting Jesus and daring bravely to share who we really are – our personality, eccentricities and vulnerabilities – with another person, so that we might experience again the power of friendship. For what is the alternative? CS Lewis sums it up like this in The Four Loves: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Katherine Chow is associate vicar at Holy Trinity Brompton in London. htb.org @htbchurch