My husband asked me one question that exposed my deepest idol

My husband is a gospel coach; he coaches creatives and leaders in their Christian leadership. His coaching methodology is anchored in the belief that people are created relationally, personally, missionally and spiritually. We are made in the image of God – and yet each area of our lives has also been impacted by the Fall.  

Most secular coaching is non-directive. The coach draws out what is inside the person and the focus is on personal growth, human potential and self-improvement. Gospel coaching, on the other hand, is shaped by prayer and revolves around an intentional gospel conversation on the person’s relational, personal, missional and spiritual life, leading to objectives and strategies to help them discover and fulfil their God-given role. The emphasis is on spiritual renewal, alignment to the gospel, dependency on God and Christ being glorified. An important aspect of gospel coaching involves identifying idols – anything in our lives that occupies the place that should be held by God alone. An idol is anything that holds a controlling position in our lives. Putting it rather simplistically, there are surface idols (ie money, sex and power) and there are source idols (ie approval, comfort and security). 

As I sat across from my husband one evening, I cheekily asked him: “OK, so what do you think my identifying idol is?” The poor guy paused for a long time not quite knowing how to respond and whether continuing this line of conversation was about to ruin our night. He asked me whether I really wanted to know. I paused and then cautiously and tentatively responded in the affirmative. My husband then gently shared that he thought my identifying idol was probably linked to achievement, which was connected to a desire for approval. I was quiet for a while and slowly began to smile as I realised that someone had dared to hold up a mirror to my face and truth (spoken in love) was staring right back at me in the coach’s words. 

An uncomfortable relationship with ambition

Ambition is defined as a strong desire to do or achieve something. The desire to succeed (ambition) can often drive achievement (the accomplishment of goals) in an attempt to secure approval (external validation). I have often wrestled with whether it’s OK to be an ambitious woman. Women often believe that they are not supposed to be too ambitious; we should accept our place, not take up too much space, be grateful for what we have and refrain from challenging the status quo. I recently read an article by the New York City pastor, Jon Tyson, stating that one of the greatest pressures men face, is the need to achieve. While I agree with this statement, I would politely add that it isn’t only men who face this pressure. So, how can we think differently about ambition and the desire to achieve? 

Tyson suggests that achievement is measured by visible outcomes and results, produces recognition and status, is individualistic and quantifiable, is driven by accomplishment and performance, triggers comparison, envy and even restlessness, and is rooted in control and self-assertion. It depends on external validation, inflates identity and ties self-worth to performance. It often masks inner poverty while projecting outer strength. Many wrestle with achievement addiction and are stuck in a vicious cycle.  

Jesus’ invitation

Instead of achievement addiction and worldly ambition, Jesus invites us to bear fruit:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful…Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing…If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples” (John 15:1-8).

The German philosopher and theologian Johannes Hartl explains that Jesus calls His disciples to bear fruit as opposed to, say, produce milk. Milk once consumed from the cow is gone but fruit is full of seeds and has the potential to grow and multiply into an orchard over many years. Christians are invited to bear “fruit that will last” (John 15:16). At the heart of fruitfulness is a desire to bless others; fruit has the potential to impact and bless over generations. This is an endeavour we can be ambitious about. Tyson suggests that the effect of fruit is measured over time, it produces life, is relational, often unseen, flows out of character, is linked to abiding not comparing, is rooted in surrender not control. It exists without attention or applause, and is remembered and marked by who a person is internally and not so much by what they do externally. 

Godly ambition

Is it OK to be an ambitious woman? Well, it depends on the source of that ambition. Godly ambition is worth desiring but this is distinctly different from worldly ambition. The desire to glorify God sits at the heart of godly ambition. Godly ambition is rooted in a deep confidence in God’s love, God’s plans and God’s provision. We don’t strive to achieve because we need to secure anyone else’s approval. God already approves of our identity and so we move out into the world fuelled by God’s love, not obsessed with achievement but eager to bless, to serve, to bear fruit and do our work in such a way that honours and glorifies God.  

The apostle Paul was fiercely ambitious about the wrong thing before he encountered Jesus. However, he didn’t stop being ambitious after his life was transformed by Jesus. Instead, his ambition was redirected towards pursuing Jesus passionately and investing his life in people and projects with eternal impact. 

How am I getting on with my identifying idol? The 17th-century minister David Clarkson explained that if we think of our soul as a house, then idols are in every room, corner and crevice; we often seek our own wisdom, desires and reputation over God’s wisdom, will and glory. Idols can’t simply be removed; they need to be replaced literally by God Himself. In prayer and worship, in conversations and confession and even a bit of informal gospel coaching, we all need encounters with God, daily spiritual renewal and an increased dependency on God to truly confront and unmask the source of our ambition. I am very much still a work in progress, requiring much pruning, but slowly discovering that being ambitious for a kind of fruitfulness that overflows organically out of a life with God is far better than pursuing anything else.