Bobbi Kumari explains the incredible bonding process that happens during sex, and shows how ungodly soul ties and relationship break ups can affect us deeply


A soul tie is a spiritual connection between two people who have been physically intimate with each other or who have had an intense emotional or spiritual association or relationship. Although the Bible doesn’t mention the words ‘soul tie’, it does refer to the concept of souls being knit together and becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Soul ties and bonding can occur in non-sexual ways too, such as friendships and covenant relationships. Because marriage is a holy, legitimate sexual union, the soul tie that is formed is godly (Ephesians 5:31). However, when a person has ungodly sexual relations with another person, the soul tie formed is ungodly (1 Corinthians 6:16). 

Bonding mechanisms

An ungodly soul tie, as we know, fragments the soul and is severely destructive. So how does this work? During sexual activity, sexual, physical, emotional and neurological bonding occurs and though the Bible refers to this as cleaving, this is not just a biblical concept. According to scientific research humans have been born with a bonding mechanism placed within us for future healthy stable marriages. This bonding mechanism includes various chemicals that are released during sex, simultaneously altering the neurological connections in the brain — which rewire the way we think.

An ungodly soul tie fragments the soul and is severely destructive

One of the main chemicals released in women (and men) to foster bonding is oxytocin. Oxytocin produces feelings of care, trust, loyalty and intimacy with your sexual partner during sex and orgasm. This makes a woman desire the same contact repeatedly with the man she has bonded to. Oxytocin also happens to be the same chemical that is released during breastfeeding in the bonding process between a mother and child. This chemical, oxytocin is a neuromodulator, which means that when a large amount is released, it changes the brain, forming new relational pathways in the brain. As the bonding in a relationship deepens, these brain pathways are strengthened.

Men also release a bonding chemical during sex called vasopressin. This chemical is sometimes referred to as the ‘commitment hormone’ or ‘monogamy molecule’ and generates a desire for more sex with the same person, as well as fostering commitment and loyalty.  This chemical also helps a man to bond to his offspring. Another crucial hormone is dopamine, which is released in both men and women. Dopamine is produced when you work up an appetite for something, producing feelings of wellbeing as you anticipate a need being met. It is also produced whenever you do something thrilling or life enhancing — releasing a huge rush of pleasure. Dopamine is very addictive because it makes you want to experience that same pleasure again. Along with Class A drugs, sex is one of the greatest releasers of dopamine, which is how people can find themselves addicted to porn. 

Multi-dimensional gluing

These chemicals, amongst many others, cause a chain reaction that fuels the desire to have sex with your mate and creates higher levels of attachment. The cocktail of multiple chemicals that are released during sexual intimacy literally bond you together like glue. They create neurological pathways of behaviour and rewards that become associated with your mate, resulting in sexual memories connected with your mate becoming etched in the brain. This is because nerve cells that fire together, wire together — which means that events in the brain become even more strongly connected if they occur at the same time. In marriage, hormones firing and wiring together, strengthen the relationship. Outside of marriage these hormones cause you to be glued to that person illegally. The outworking of this neurological gluing takes place on all three levels — emotionally, physically and spiritually.

In marriage, this dynamic would allow for the Holy Spirit to move and unite a couple in all three dimensions, enhancing intimacy, satisfaction and loyalty. As the third person in the Trinity (Father, Son and Spirit), the Holy Spirit is the supernatural presence of God dwelling in followers of Christ, enabling and blessing believers to live effective, powerful lives as Christians. When a married couple engage in sex, it enables the Holy Spirit to ‘bless’ that union. An illicit union on the other hand attracts ungodly spirits — such as seducing spirits –and as a result this will invite demonic repercussions to occur on all three of these levels. 

Emotional repercussions of porneia

We have already established that when two people are sexually intimate, their brains will experience neurochemical changes that encourage emotional bonding with one another. When functioning in the way God ordained, this mechanism produces incredible feelings of trust, connection and wellbeing. It fosters healthy loyalty and commitment by emotionally ‘gluing’ you to your partner. When not functioning correctly, as in the case of a relationship break up, it produces feelings of depression and lethargy. You also have the basal ganglia, another part of the brain also affected during sex, which deals with learning skills, forming of habits and associated reward systems. If established rewards or habits formed in this part of the brain are interrupted, this can also lead to anxiety and depression.

Fundamentally, when a relationship break-up occurs, all the chemicals that fired together and were wired together are now compelled to unglue, so it is literally a process of chemicals ungluing in someone’s neurology. Additionally the anticipatory and addictive nature of the hormone dopamine, released during intimacy, will cause the brain to desperately crave the satisfaction and reward associated with that person, which the brain has now become accustomed to. Hence why it can take months and even years to recover from a break up, even after you physically separate from someone.

Humans have been born with a bonding mechanism placed within us for future healthy stable marriages

This is also one of the reasons that someone can repeatedly return to a relationship that has long finished, given the neurological bonding. It is also part of the reason someone may continue in an abusive relationship even though they recognise it is not doing them any good; it is why a person may find it difficult to stop thinking of a previous partner, even though they are now happily dating someone else or even married to someone new; or why a one-night stand that was meant to be totally casual can become an infatuation. I have certainly experienced this very thing in my own life… 

This article is based on an extract from Bobbi’s book Sacred Sexuality.