Esther Higham speaks with Anna Smith, author and speaker, wife of singer Martin Smith, mother of six and grandmother of two
Esther Higham (EH): What were the early days of motherhood like for you?
Anna Smith (AS): It is a bit of a blur, to be fair. The sleep deprivation is real, but children are a gift, and I wanted to enjoy every bit I had with them. But it was hard, obviously, with Martin being away with the band [Delirious?]; those times were quite tricky. Family and church kept me supported and encouraged. Having sisters whose husbands were also in the band was really helpful. They understood, and people were very kind. I also never want to think of it as a really tough time, because it was such an exciting time as well. It was a privilege.
EH: I remember when I had my first child having a real identity crisis, both in the run up to his birth and then a couple of months afterwards, thinking: “I’m never gonna have any fun anymore. I’m just a mum.” Did you ever have that kind of identity crisis moment yourself?
AS: I probably had that a little bit later on. I think when I had the children, it was just so busy. My whole life was them; I was devoted to them, and to Martin. I was just loving what I was doing, but I think as they’ve gotten older, I’ve actually found working out who I am with older children, and this next season of my life, more challenging. I do understand, talking to a lot of my friends, that that big transition from having no children to one child is a huge move and pretty daunting. And trying to keep friendship groups, and your life in a good place, as well as having time with the Lord is another huge change when you’ve got children.
EH: How did you find your own time with the Lord in the chaos of lots of younger children?
AS: To be honest with you, it was not like a quiet time – like I can have now. It was definitely praying as I go. And I still love doing that. I love to pray as I’m in the car, as I’m clearing up the house. I used to put their little shoes by the front door, ready for them to go out to school the next day, and pray for each child, or when I was making the beds in the morning, just praying over them. The Lord met me in all of that. So often we forget that he is a caring, loving Father who is alongside us, encouraging us and cheering us on.
I’m a pastor’s kid, so I know what it’s like to grow up feeling all of those pressures
EH: Not only were you and Martin passionate Christians, but of course, very public Christians as well, with everybody knowing Delirious? How did you begin to instil faith in your kids?
AS: I think they’re like little sponges, aren’t they? They’re just watching us. They are aware of the people we have in our homes; they’re watching how we respond to people, how we are talking to people in the street and how we cope when things don’t go well. I’ve made it very clear that just because they’ve been brought up in a Christian family, that doesn’t mean they’re Christian. Finding your own faith and your own relationship with Jesus is super important. Not all my children go to the same church. They found different ways of expressing their faith, and I think that, to me, has been the most important thing – that they find their own journey. I’m a pastor’s kid, so I know what it’s like to grow up feeling all of those pressures. Round the dinner table is a great opportunity to talk about things. Or when you’re in the car; ask them what they’re doing rather than telling them. Ask them how they’re feeling, what’s going on, what their relationship with God is like.
EH: A survey from the Pew Centre found that nearly 60 per cent of people raised in Christian families in the UK say they no longer follow the faith. That’s quite staggering. We want our kids to come to faith and we don’t want to put them under pressure, but it’s a tough one to navigate. Did any of your kids have a season where they went away a bit?
AS: I think all of them, and I also think trying to question is natural. Having each other was helpful; having people that they could talk to when they were questioning their faith. It’s really hard to get your head around some of the issues that they’re facing. Our kids are growing up in a very different age; life has changed. I want to keep up to date, and I want to hear what their struggles are, because they’re not going to be the same as mine. I’m not as relevant these days as they are. So just being super aware that you know they might be struggling with other things, and just allow those conversations. Don’t be frightened of anything that comes out. I go away and give it to the Lord, asking him to give me wisdom. Proverbs 16:3 says: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do.” I just live by that. I say: “God, I give you everything.” And that’s not just the great stuff. That’s the tough stuff, too: “Lord, help me, give me wisdom to know how to respond. To know when to stay silent.” It doesn’t always need a response. It might just need a bit of time, a bit of a hug, a letter, a text. Be aware of his presence, that the Holy Spirit is waiting to help and chat.
Faced with so much untruth and so much fake news, they are desperate for authenticity and people to speak truth
EH: Have you ever had a moment where suddenly your kid starts to speak truth back to you, and you actually begin to learn from them?
AS: One of the mottos that we have in our home is that people are free to speak. Sometimes they say: “Mum, you’re exaggerating.” If I’ve done something like this interview, they may come back to me and say: “You don’t live that, Mum, you’re saying that, but you’re not doing that.” Those moments are really tough, but I have to just say: “You’re right”, apologise and hopefully sort it out. My children constantly want to challenge or work out what is truth in this world; where they’re faced with so much untruth and so much fake news, they are desperate for authenticity and people to speak truth.
EH: You have six children, all with quite strong personalities and incredible gifts. How did you handle sibling rivalry in the Smith household?
AS: You just have to teach them to support each other; cheer each other on. A lot of them are into music, and I have a few sporty ones. And you’ve got to cheer each one on in whatever field they’re in – in the good stuff, but also in the tough stuff. I’m super aware some of my children are doing stuff that everyone can see, but there are some who are doing lots of stuff that nobody is seeing, and it’s about cheering each other on, whatever you can see or not see. That can be quite a challenge, because, you know, I’m a party person. I love a celebration. So when somebody achieves something, of course, we want to celebrate that.
EH: Where in the Bible did you turn to regularly while parenting younger children?
AS: Especially when the children were growing up, being able to get hold of a verse and just sit with that for a day really helped me. Asking the Lord: “What are you speaking to me through this” was actually my lifeline in regard to reading scripture during those younger years.
EH: For people who aren’t parents yet, there can be fears around passing on their worst traits to their children or being afraid that they don’t even really like kids that much. What can you say to those who are preparing for parenthood at the moment?
AS: I’m not sure you can really prepare for it, other than just be really open. A couple of my friends have been really nervous about parenthood, especially bringing children up in this day and age. But I am a firm believer in the joy that children bring, and that they are a gift. It has been such an amazing journey with all of mine and I’ve loved every minute. So I would encourage them to go for it. I think, as well, you learn on the go, don’t you? I remember a mum friend of mine saying to her eldest daughter: “You taught me how to be a mum.” I didn’t know how to be a mum, but I think there is something in tapping into the intuitive bit; actually I don’t think that ever stops. I’ve now got children in their 20s and with partners, and I’m learning how to be a grandparent – that is a whole different ball game.
It’s great for us mothers to know we’ve released our children into the world to be all that they are
EH: I’ve got teenagers, 17 and 19, and am slightly dreading the empty nest thing. Do you have any advice on that?
AS: No, but I get it. For me it is slowly emptying, and it’s hard. What’s been really helpful for me, and I’ve done this throughout, is look to those people who’ve already done it, and try and build up some friendships with them, and ask them for advice. It is also about asking the Lord: “What does this next season mean for me? Don’t be frightened of it. It’s good. It’s an OK thing to go through. I love watching my children fly, especially in the things that God’s got for them, and so watching them go off and become the people that he’s called them to be is a huge encouragement. It’s great for us mothers to know we’ve released our children into the world to be all that they are. And they come back. They were all back yesterday. They come back at different times. @annasmithtv
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