Come as you are, but could you just…?

I was brought up in a traditional family. We went to church, and when we did we wore our ‘Sunday best’. Mum and Dad wanted us to understand that Sunday was a special day – no work or shopping; rather church then a great roast dinner and time spent together as a family. Mum was a good dressmaker and made us all smart matching outfits. Perhaps the lasting impression of donning special clothes was that church was a place where you should be on your best behaviour, not your talkative, fidgety, everyday self.

When I had a family of my own I tried not to put restrictions on my children. Perhaps, when they were tiny, I made an effort to ensure they looked neat and tidy, but once they were old enough to have opinions of their own, I tried not to be too prescriptive.

But old habits die hard.

An important reminder

One of my daughters is a total creative. She’s always changing her hair colour and style, she wears her clothes in amazing ways that always take me by surprise, and the way she presents herself reflects her imaginative, outgoing personality. She has lots of piercings and tattoos. She used to say that each one had a meaning, but after about ten of them, we realised she just loves that look. 

She is loved and perfectly placed just as she is  

One day I was having a bit of a wobble. I was feeling particularly under pressure from my own past, when conformity was important to me, and when I had internalised those early ideas of what a Christian should look like. I really wanted us all to be accepted and liked. I wanted to fit in. 

So I did the thing we are told not to do as parents: I let my baggage affect the way I dealt with my children. It was a case of: “Come as you are, but could you just…?” Of course, I didn’t see it like that. My desire for my kids to conform was cloaked in concern: “I’m just worried about you.”

My daughter wasn’t fooled. She came back with a response I’ll never forget: “Mum, this is who I am. I will reach people you will never reach. I will talk to people you’ll never come across in your world, who would never talk to you, or, if they did, you would never understand. But I will.” 

It was as if God was saying to me: “Back off from trying to mould this beautiful child that I’ve made. I have placed her to be a light in her generation, in the world she has grown up to live in. She is loved and perfectly placed just as she is.”

At that moment I realised that I had forgotten something important: we aren’t called to fit in with a particular fashion or group of people. We are called to belong: “You belong to Christ, and Christ belongs to God” (1 Corinthians 3:23, NLT).

Safe spaces to be ourselves

Dr Brené Brown, American academic, researcher and author, says that fitting in is the opposite of belonging. ‘Fitting in’ involves changing yourself in order to be accepted by others. ‘Belonging’ involves being who you are and being accepted for who you are. 

God is bigger than our past history and bigger than our fears. We are all on a journey to becoming more Christ-like, not a pathway to being a carbon copy of everyone else in our church. We all need to feel safe to be ourselves in order to grow and develop. Carl Rogers, a pioneering humanist psychologist, developed the idea that people grow best when they feel accepted and valued for who they are, not just how they perform or whether they conform. He called it ‘unconditional positive regard’. 

We are all on a journey to becoming more Christ-like, not a pathway to being a carbon copy of everyone else in our church

If as Church we are called to love as God loves us, then surely that ‘unconditional positive regard’ is what we should offer everyone. Our churches need to allow and expect honesty: need to be places where we can truly be ourselves. 

I want to be part of a church full of difference, not one filled with people trying to adapt to our norms, to ‘fit in’. When someone walks in who looks different from me and thinks differently from me, I want to be ready to help them (if necessary) and learn from them, not try to mould them into a copy of myself. Sometimes I may find that frightening or intimidating, but I am learning and growing as I walk with Jesus. Totally belonging to Christ is the only way. I want people to be accepted and loved, differences and all.

I truly believe that God has made you unique, with your personality, your gifts, your past and your future. He has a plan for you, that only you can fulfil: “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). He has placed you where you are to be a light, so keep on shining. Don’t dull that shine to fit in, because when we are the people God has made us to be, that’s when we shine the brightest. 

And when you come to church, come just as you are.