Bringing up strong, confident girls

There’s a problem with kids’ clothes. 

I heard this on a podcast and passed it on to a friend, and she didn’t believe me at first. Then she went shopping for her two toddlers and came back saying: “You’re right! I can’t believe I never saw it before!

We can’t assume our kids are safe just because they go to church

“The boys’ sweatshirts were in strong colours, and they all had lions or tigers on,” she said. “And the girls’ ones were all pastel colours, and they had rabbits, or lambs. The boys’ images were all predators. And the girls’ ones were all prey.”

It makes you wonder about the underlying assumptions of strength and weakness.

Teaching safety to our children

We have both boys and girls in our family. When they were teenagers and going for a night out, we talked to them differently. We taught the boys to look out for people who are vulnerable and be mindful of what they’re doing. We told them that if they found themselves walking behind a girl at night, to cross the road: a woman will feel afraid if she thinks she’s being followed down a dark road.

We taught the girls never to take a drink they haven’t seen poured in front of them, and never to leave their drink unattended; never to leave a friend behind alone; to get their door key ready before they left the taxi. When they were out for the evening there was always a £20 note on the shelf just inside the front door, for the cab fare. They knew how important their safety was to us.

This is all just common sense – it’s a pity we have to teach them these things, but it’s wise. We can’t assume our kids are safe just because they go to church. We don’t want our girls to live in fear, but we do want them to be careful. 

Real strength

We want our girls to be strong, confident and happy. The boys too, of course, but I want to focus on the girls in those bunny-rabbit sweatshirts here. I try to make sure I give out the right messages and praise them for the right things – not for appearance or performance, but for the things that develop character.

I’m proud of them, and I tell them so when they’re kind to their friends, when they stand up for someone who’s being bullied, when they befriend the odd one out at school. I’m proud of them when they persevere with something they find hard – whether or not that results in them excelling at it. Courage, resilience and kindness will stand them in better stead than following the crowd.

I’m especially proud of them when they’re prepared to stand up for what they believe is right. Staying true to Christ takes strength – the strength that helps us stay grounded when everything around us feels uncertain or shifting. 

What constitutes ‘good behaviour’ (also known as ‘fitting in’) can vary according to the opinion of the group you are part of

Jane Addams (1860-1935) was a leader in social work and women’s suffrage in the USA, for which she was elected to an honorary membership of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR). However, her increasing work for peace drew criticism, and the DAR rescinded her membership because they disagreed with her stance. 

She said: “I had supposed at the time that (my election) had been for life, but it was apparently only for good behaviour.” The trouble is that what constitutes ‘good behaviour’ (also known as ‘fitting in’) can vary according to the opinion of the group you are part of. We want our girls to hold fast to the values of faith: love, compassion, integrity and justice. “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you” (Psalm 89:14). They need self-confidence to do that.

That confidence comes from knowing that they matter and that they are loved, unconditionally. It comes from knowing that they will be praised for trying, not just for succeeding; for their hard work revising for an exam, not just if they get good marks. Our daughters’ school used to write a report every term giving marks for attitude, hard work and test results. We focused on the first two and ignored the third: they might never come out top of the class, but they could be a good friend and a hard worker.  

Being allowed to fail is crucial for developing resilience – especially when they know that there is family back-up. That means they can be willing to strike out and try something new, knowing that you’ll be cheering them on, and always there with ready sympathy and to help pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

Supporting well

Of course, we won’t always see eye-to-eye: each of our daughters will test our boundaries and challenge our rules. And her teenage brain, which is reshaping itself as it matures, won’t always be able to master its emotions and mood swings. (It can also be tricky for a mum going through the menopause on a tide of hormones!) We have to (try to) meet her storms with patience and calmness, holding the line when necessary, and making concessions when it’s less important. 

She needs to know her opinion matters, too. Our kids knew that all discussions were held round the kitchen table on a Thursday night. That was when they could tell us, calmly and sensibly, their plans for the weekend, and they knew we’d listen, and, if necessary, negotiate. They knew that was when the decisions were made – not in a phone call from a noisy party late at night.

It was through those conversations that they learned good sense (sometimes from their siblings) and mutual respect. As Proverbs 22:6 states: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.”

My prayer for my daughters is that they will be strong young women and step out confidently in faith to live the glorious, fun-filled lives God has planned for them. Wearing whatever sweatshirt they choose.

 challenges the assumptions made about girls and boys, and describes how she has encouraged strength of character in her daughters