Time to stop mourning the person you used to be

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Dr Becky Howie recognises that there is a natural tendency to compare ourselves to what we were like when younger. Here she provides some strategies from positive psychology, which reflect biblical wisdom, to help combat comparison culture and maintain a healthy mindset

Recently, I completed a 10K race, and the training resulted in me reflecting on my mindset. There was once a time when I ran frequently, completing marathons and other races. Back then, a 10K felt easy. However, after an ankle injury, I ended up moving away from running for several years. In the weeks leading up to this latest race, I found myself comparing my current abilities to my past abilities. I became aware that I used to be so much fitter, faster and recovered more quickly. It made me realise that returning to something, especially something that used to be easy, can be more challenging than starting afresh. It’s a common struggle to measure our current selves against our past accomplishments. As humans, we have a tendency to compare ourselves not only to others but also to the younger version of ourselves. This issue is exacerbated by social media, which constantly encourages comparison. Our feeds are often filled with images of the ideal body, house, relationship or family that we aspire to have, and bring up reminders of our days gone by.

One of my favourite sayings is, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and this is especially true when we compare ourselves to who we once were. I coach many women in midlife, and I often hear them mourn the person they used to be – when they were younger, thinner or had more energy. They fail to recognise the evolution of their spirit and do not value the wisdom and experience they have gained over the years.

Life is constantly evolving, and we change with it – physically, emotionally and spiritually. You may find yourself grieving the loss of who you once were, a relationship you used to have or the vision you had for your life. So, what can you do to feel better? Let me introduce you to the field of positive psychology.

Utilising positive psychology and biblical wisdom

Positive psychology focuses on the science of how to make people thrive. One of its key frameworks is the ‘PERMA’ model – developed by Martin Seligman, who is considered one of the founders of the field. The ‘P’ stands for positive emotions, emphasising the huge importance of gratitude and forgiveness for the past, mindfulness in the present and optimism for the future.

The PERMA model

P – Positive Emotion

E – Engagement

R – Positive Relationships

M – Meaning

A – Accomplishments/Achievements

Does this idea sound familiar? Once again, it seems that science is catching up with the wisdom of the Bible, which, as Christians, is our blueprint for living happy and healthy lives. In his writings, Paul wrote to the Philippians: “But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14). While we often interpret this scripture as guidance for our eternal lives in Christ, I believe it also holds significant relevance for our lives now. Learning to let go of the past, including idealised notions of who we once were, accepting our present selves and maintaining a mindset of continuous growth are all essential elements for thriving and discovering happiness and contentment.

I know what you are thinking: “It’s not as easy as it sounds”, and you are right. It’s not easy to do but there are some tried and tested tools we can use to try and help encourage positive emotion.

Gratitude journalling This is a concept that is not new to Christians. Who could forget the old hymn, “Count your blessings, see what God hath done; Count your blessings, name them one by one” (Count Your Blessings; Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1897).

There is substantial scientific evidence that writing down three things you are grateful for each day positively impacts mental health. Research shows that practising gratitude journalling for just one week can have a positive effect on mental wellbeing for up to six months.

Engage in meaningful activities A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that engaging in activities that a person finds meaningful over eight days was linked to increased vitality, life satisfaction and a sense of purpose. These activities could range from spending time with loved ones to pursuing hobbies that align with your personal values.

Acts of kindness Research indicates that performing acts of kindness can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. A study from The Ohio State University found that individuals who engaged in such acts experienced significant improvements in their symptoms, as well as enhanced life satisfaction and social connections. The study suggests that focusing on helping others can shift attention away from one’s own challenges, fostering a sense of purpose and reducing self-focused thinking.

Jesus taught us to show kindness to others, and also indicated that when we do so, we are doing it for him: “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40).

Start small – but take action

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits wrote that: “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” If you are currently facing challenges with your mindset and mental wellbeing, I encourage you to begin with prayer and take small steps, trying some of the tools mentioned here. Step by step, this will move you ever closer to the person you were created to be. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Embracing change and growth

Returning to past activities can be more challenging than starting fresh. Comparing ourselves to our former selves often steals joy. Instead, embracing positive psychology principles can help foster a hopeful mindset and improve mental wellbeing.

The power of positive psychology

Positive psychology centres on fostering wellbeing by encouraging positive emotions, engagement and meaningful connections. The PERMA model, developed by Martin Seligman, highlights key elements such as gratitude, mindfulness and optimism. By letting go of past regrets, embracing the present and maintaining hope for the future, individuals can cultivate a healthier mindset and thrive in everyday life. To me, these appear very similar to biblical principles.

Practical steps for a positive mindset

Boost your mental wellbeing with these proven techniques: Gratitude journalling Writing three things you’re grateful for each day can improve mental health for months.

Meaningful activities Engaging in purposeful actions boosts vitality and satisfaction. Acts of kindness Small gestures can reduce anxiety and depression and foster deeper social connections.