After 30 years of marriage, writer Titilola Ajayi-Jones has learned a thing or two about navigating the highs and lows of life together. Here, she shares three pearls of wisdom that have helped her marriage grow stronger – and explains why seeing well, sowing well and surrendering to God can make all the difference.
This September, my husband and I celebrated our pearl wedding anniversary. Thirty years of covenant, cultural differences, some challenging conversations, some tears, but a load of laughs too.
Thirty years is long enough to gain some pearls of wisdom, but short enough to know that there is still a lot to learn. My necklace is not complete! Today, I want to share three pearls with you: wisdom I hope you find useful and will receive without the many months (and mistakes) it took me to gain.
READ MORE: “I still choose you”: Why renewing our vows after 10 years meant more than our wedding day
Pearl 1: SEE well
You empower what you focus on. What and how you look really matters. You could be examining the ‘get out’ clauses of marriage and what Jesus really said about divorce; or you could be looking at ways to make your marriage better, sweeter and the blessing God intended. Both are different perspectives. And both will shape your thoughts, feelings and actions in very different ways.
When you are fixated on the problems, it’s hard to see solutions, and you will miss the good things that are happening right alongside those unappreciated blessings. I saw this in the earlier years of our marriage. I spent way too much time glaring at my husband’s faults that I was dazzlingly blind to my own terrible attitude.
With growing maturity – and the incredible grace of God – I have learned to prioritise my perspective and have developed huge gratitude for our differences, including the strengths and weaknesses we both bring.
READ MORE: Which wedding traditions are biblical? Should you take your husband’s name or even wear a ring?
Pearl 2: SOW well
The Bible tells us that you reap what you sow. This is true for marriage and all relationships: parental, friendships and even business.
Like a boomerang, what you throw out will come back to you: the energy, emotion, intents and motives. Sow fear, anger or offence, and it will rebound to you. Sow love, joy, peace and patience, and you will definitely reap the benefits and eat the fruit. It takes one person to be intentional about changing the atmosphere in a home and stepping out of any negative relationship dance you and your spouse have fallen into. Why not bring joy into your home? Or peace? Or genuine kindness? Someone has to go first. It might as well be you.
READ MORE: What is the “true purpose” of marriage for Christians?
Pearl 3: SURRENDER completely
By surrendering, I mean submit to God and let the old version of you die – the one shaped by old wounds and negative patterns. This is so the new creation and identity God made you to be in Christ can actually show up in your marriage.
2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold [SEE well], all things have become new.
Unfortunately, many of us are stuck in the trauma of a younger version of ourselves and are having the same arguments that have little real connection to our spouse. My invitation is to surrender and step into your new identity in Christ.
When you know your identity in Christ, something shifts.
When you know your identity in Christ, something shifts. You will have the mindset and grace to possess the land, and also to maintain and sustain it. Beyond just getting married, we ultimately want a marriage that is good, has purpose and that lasts. We want a marriage that is a blessing to all connected to it: you and your spouse, your children, your wider family and your spheres of influence. That is legacy.
For me, this has looked like not being so easily hijacked by my triggers. Now my triggers have become an opportunity for transformation, maturity, handling conflict with grace, and letting Christ keep being formed in me.
Thirty years on, I am still adding pearls to these three pearls, but I know that if I keep seeing well, sowing well and surrendering completely, the next 30 years will take us onwards – from glory to glory – as God weaves His presence as the third strand in the string of pearls we are creating.
Wherever your own marriage is today, I pray you find your own pearls forming, one imperfect, faithful year at a time.
No comments yet