In our fortnightly column ‘Real Talk’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything.
Dear Woman Alive,
My mother-in-law is so tricky! I know this is a classic problem – having a difficult mother-in-law – but she causes such a rift in our family. I don’t want to put labels on people, but from what I have read, she has narcissistic tendencies. She is not a Christian, but my husband and I are. How do we balance setting boundaries with loving her, when sometimes it feels very difficult to? Help!
Dear Reader,
You are right: difficult mothers-in-law may be a classic problem, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real. Family relationships can touch some of our deepest vulnerabilities, particularly when one person seems to have the power to cause conflict and division.
You are wise not to be too quick to put a label on your mother-in-law. What matters most is recognising the impact her behaviour is having on you and your family.
READ MORE: I thank God for my mother (who is also my best friend)
As Christians, we can sometimes feel that loving someone means tolerating everything they do.
As Christians, we can sometimes feel that loving someone means tolerating everything they do. But Jesus never asked us to become doormats. Love and boundaries are not opposites. In fact, healthy boundaries can be one of the most loving things we offer. You can forgive someone without giving them unlimited access to hurt you. You can honour your mother-in-law without agreeing with her. And you can pray for her without allowing her behaviour to dominate your home.
READ MORE: An open letter to my ex mother-in-law this Mother’s Day
It is also important that you and your husband are united.
It is also important that you and your husband are united. This is his mother, but you are now his family too. Genesis tells us that a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. That doesn’t mean cutting parents off, but it does mean that your marriage must come first. Perhaps you and your husband could talk honestly about what is happening and agree together on some boundaries: how often you see her, what behaviour you will not accept and what you will do if she crosses those lines.
Try to be clear and calm rather than accusatory. Instead of saying, “You’re always causing trouble,” you might say: “We love you and want a relationship with you, but we cannot continue this conversation when we are being spoken to like this. We’ll talk again when things are calmer.”
Remember, too, that loving someone is not always about feeling warmly towards them. Sometimes love is a decision to act with grace while also telling the truth. You can pray for your mother-in-law, refuse to speak badly of her and wish her well, while still protecting the peace of your marriage and family.
READ MORE: ‘Spare a thought for your mother-in-law; we’re not all overbearing and controlling!’
And perhaps most importantly, don’t try to change her. You cannot control her choices, but you can decide how you will respond. Ask God for wisdom rather than simply more patience. As James reminds us, if we lack wisdom, we can ask God, who gives generously.
Sometimes the most Christlike response is not to absorb every blow, but to step back with grace and say: “I love you, but this is not OK.”
You don’t have to choose between boundaries and love. With God’s help, you can practise both.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Real Talk column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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