‘Doubt is no small thing, it’s heavy, invasive and not an emotion someone can carry alone,’ says singer, Steph Porter. She shares her husband’s experience walking away from faith, and his journey back.
On a rainy Sunday in August 2022 at around 7pm, my husband Ash turned to me as we sat in our car and told me he didn’t think he could call himself a Christian anymore.
The conversation that followed definitely wasn’t my finest wife moment. Confused by the statement I remember responding with, ‘but why didn’t you say?’. Really helpful, I know. After that, we talked about expectations and boundaries, we talked about the journey to this moment, and we talked about the future. One thing was for sure, Ash wanted to fight for his faith.
We kept attending church frequently, something which looking back on I hadn’t digested was so courageous for Ash to do.
We kept attending church frequently, something which, looking back on, I hadn’t digested how courageous it was for Ash to do. During times of sung worship he would sit next to me in silence as I stood singing my little heart out, often putting my hand on his shoulder as a comfort. It sometimes felt in these moments like I was worshipping on behalf of us both, a way of praying ‘God, may he worship you again.’
I remember the first time Ash sang after what had felt like a long time, and tears coming to my eyes as I absorbed the sound of his voice. I hope I never take for granted the sound of my husband’s singing. We were also hosting a small group at the time, which Ash initially took a break from.
Looking back, I knew God had ordained this small group because it allowed Ash to return back at his own pace, often coming for the social aspects then returning to his upstairs safety. One week, around seven months later, we had reached the end of each member of the group sharing their testimonies, and I was thinking of what we could do. Ash said to me, ‘why don’t I share my testimony?’ In my head I thought, stay calm, Steph and outwardly I replied ‘erm yeah, okay, cool’. And so he shared his story of becoming a Christian and everything that had led to that moment, including losing his faith, and it was beautiful.
At the same time as all this, I noticed his Bible, which normally sat under the chair by his bed, slowly gathering dust.
At the same time as all this, I noticed his Bible, which normally sat under the chair by his bed, slowly gathering dust. Unused, unopened, untouched. Ash’s Bible had become an object of contention, memories of feeling confused and doubtful. He had read books that opposed faith, which he would say now were fuel to the fire of his doubt.
As the dust began to build, I would frequently go to our bedroom and dust the Bible, praying for Ash’s faith to return, and for him to begin reading his Bible again. Here began the concept of the song that would go on to tell Ash’s story, a song called Dust.
As I started to write I wanted to make sure the song portrayed Ash’s journey authentically and honestly, not me assuming what he must be going through. So I started to jot down some of the stuff Ash had said to me, and brought the beginning of the song to him to see what he thought. We then continued to craft the song together, inviting my friend and songwriter Becky into the picture, bringing her own experiences of doubt. My favourite part of the song comes in the bridge as it tells the story of Ash’s consistent pursuit of church and local community; frequently placing himself in situations where his friends would be going after Jesus, and he would feel nothing.
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Ash would say coming back to faith wasn’t an event but a process; a slow process. There were moments to push, and moments to retreat, and in the midst of it all was the desire to find God again. Even today, the process of rebuilding his faith is still in motion and maybe it will be for a long time. I remember Ash describing to me that realising he couldn’t call himself a Christian anymore felt like all the foundations of his faith and of the Church had crumbled. He has spent the last two years reconstructing that foundation, and it’s wonderful to see him pushing more and more into faith each day.
Doubt is no small thing, it’s heavy, invasive and not an emotion someone can carry alone. I pray that if you are reading this and experiencing doubt, that any shame felt would be eradicated, and that you would know there are people out there who are going through it too. I also pray for people around you to care for you, cheer you on, and sit with you in the pain. If you haven’t told anyone, reach out to someone today.
‘Dust’, is the first single from Steph’s upcoming album coming out in September, and you can listen to it on all music streaming platforms.
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