Building resilience in order to flourish

Valorie’s new book shares ways to build resilience to counteract the stressors and challenges that come with adversity: “[but] it’s also needed when we’re dealing with opportunity and positive things that happen, because change requires resilience [too]”. These ‘rules’ are rooted both in the applied positive psychology she practises and her Christian faith: “The exciting thing to me is it all aligns. When you hear [Bible verses like], ‘the joy of the Lord is your strength’ or ‘laughter is good medicine’ or ‘think on things that are lovely and pure and good’ there’s science that backs it up.” 

From the beginning, Valorie’s knowledge has been tested out in her own life: “My life’s like a laboratory…I believe that God has shown me that from the beginning.” Whatever she was going through, she had to be able to ‘walk the talk’: “It’s the reason I have so much conviction around teaching it and speaking about it, because it’s actually worked in my own life.”

Walking the walk

Valorie was first invited to speak on resilience in 2008, during the global financial crisis and ‘Great Recession’, which saw people lose homes, jobs and livelihoods. Her message continues to find new resonance today, amid political turmoil, wars, technological advancements and cultural shifts: “there are more existential factors that are causing a lot more anxiety”. Living through the pandemic meant: “we will forever be [influenced] by the idea that everything could change in an instant without warning”. And we are now more isolated and alone, experiencing unparalleled levels of distraction: “We have to exercise so much willpower to even stay focused”, she says. Resilience has never been more necessary.

My life’s like a laboratory

Soon after completing her graduate studies at the University of Pennsylvania, an opportunity led Valorie to provide resilience training for the US military: “I also happened to be going through a divorce at the time,” she shares, “so imagine teaching resilience while you’re needing resilience.” Based near Washington DC, she prayed and felt God say: “Move south where the people who love you are.” She moved to Atlanta, Georgia (the next state over from South Carolina where her parents were from): “I have like 20 cousins here…that was a really important move. Whenever we go through something difficult, we have to be intentional about what I call in the book ‘protective resources’.” Choosing to move near her family in Atlanta; gathering strength from those relationships, and the community they provided, played a big part in her recovering from her divorce. She was in a great city to establish her coaching practice too, and well located to fly anywhere in the world for speaking engagements. To combat feeling low, she also began running: “I knew that 60 minutes of cardio can be as effective as antidepressants for mild depression…[and] it became like a metaphor for moving forward. I had a lot of time to think. But it was also the exercise itself, the blood flowing, that changed how I felt.”

Though the road ahead seemed full of obstacles, there was a bigger vision to aim for. Despite everything, she couldn’t let go of the belief that she was meant to be a wife and mother: “[but] there I was, 36, divorced, no kids, and hoping that maybe that vision would still come to fruition”. Her goal was to become a better person on the other side of divorce. To get there she had new things to learn. Through therapy, she addressed some unresolved issues her divorce had highlighted, and refused to allow her circumstances to determine her happiness, including whether or not ‘the one’ walked into her life.

“That’s when my husband actually appeared”, she laughs. Jeff was someone who had been in her orbit since seventh grade: “We never dated, or anything like that, and connected in Atlanta through one of my books that he saw at the airport. He’s a pilot.” When they married in 2003, Valorie gained two “bonus daughters” in her step-children, Sophie and Addie – whose names she had written in her journal years before, when she was dreaming of what she would name her children one day. Valorie then became pregnant at 41 through IVF, only to miscarry in the early stages. Deep down, she knew she didn’t want to go through IVF again. She and Jeff went on to adopt their son, Alex: “[he] is whom I was meant to raise…I know I was meant to mother him. He was born in my heart, not from my womb”, she explains. 

Learning to be honest with ourselves

In her book, Valorie shares her mother’s story of having a brain aneurysm at the age of 49: “It led to brain surgery, two months in hospital and relearning all of her physical abilities.” Watching her mum’s efforts to rehabilitate and get her life back showed Valorie what was possible when someone focuses on what they can control when life takes an unexpected turn. It changed her life too: “There was a lot in that journey – moving back home, helping take care of her, having to learn all sorts of medical things I had to do for her. And watching her faith [was] huge.” 

Over two decades later, the residual effects of the aneurysm, exacerbated by age, were affecting her mother’s ability to cope. When Valorie suggested that her mum move in with her and her family, she refused outright initially. Two years later, however, in 2023, reality hit. Prayerfully, she contacted Valorie: “I got an email…and that was the start of us actually having an honest conversation. That she had fallen multiple times, that her walking was declining [and] it would be safer for her not to live alone. She felt in her spirit that God was saying, ‘I know you’re willing to fight and fight and fight. And that’s good…but it’s not realistic for you to keep living by yourself.’ That gave her strength to make a change.” 

A lot of happiness is about perspective

We often resist being honest with ourselves, but it enables us to face reality: “My experience is that authenticity is essential for resilience”, Valorie says. We can then make the changes that are within our control, and find a new way forward. Still, we’re influenced by the cultural values we’re raised in, which venerate principles like ‘winners never quit’ and ‘never give up’. But, “that’s not always true”, Valorie reflects: “you’ve got to apply things in the right context”. She expands: “People have found themselves in awful situations, abusive situations, that are not going to change…And so I think we have to be careful…the rule [I suggest] around that is, ‘know when to grit, know when to quit’.” Grit is best suited to persevering with things we’re passionate about: “God calls us to do hard things [but] burdensome is different. One of the things I talk about in the book is being able to distinguish [between them].”

As Christians, Valorie believes it’s not only possible for us to be happy in the midst of challenging circumstances, it’s what we’re called to: “I really believe resilience is the tool for that”, she says. “A lot of happiness is about perspective; it is about gratitude. It is about making the most of what we have, finding our contentment, and all of that requires resilience.” It enables us to stop holding happiness hostage to our circumstances and create the flourishing life we long for. 

In Rules of Resilience, Valorie also shares stories of others who have learned to build their resilience in every sphere of life. So, what would a more resilient society look like? “I’ve got a bonus rule in the book: ‘Paying it forward’. And that really is our highest level of resilience”, she says. As we become more resilient, we can then share the benefits of resilience with everyone, including younger generations, to create a more resilient society: “I think resilience should be a subject in school” she says, “Because we all need it.” 

Rules of Resilience is available in the UK from mid-October. 

valorieburton.com

Words: Alex Noel