Writer Sarah Lang takes a look at what Christmas could mean for those longing for a child, and shares some of her own twenty year journey walking through infertility.
It’s almost impossible to avoid triggers when it comes to infertility - but the season of advent can be especially hard, not least because a miraculous conception and baby are at the very centre of the nativity story!
I distinctly remember being at a work Christmas meal some years ago and a colleague saying to me (right in the middle of what was to be a 20-year journey of infertility) “well Christmas is really all about the kids isn’t it? It’s all for the children….if you don’t have that there’s not much to look forward to”.
My heart sank further into my boots than it already was and I felt so ashamed and so exposed. I could barely swallow the food in my mouth and just wanted to go home.
In the UK it’s estimated that 1 in 6 couples will be experiencing infertility as they head into Christmas this year - and the truth is the holiday season can be a megaphone of pain. It amplifies the disappointment and heartache of another year coming to a close without the greatest desire of their hearts. Another year where prayers appeared to have gone unanswered and hopes dashed month after month after month.
In the UK it’s estimated that 1 in 6 couples will be experiencing infertility as they head into Christmas this year - and the truth is the holiday season can be a megaphone of pain.
Many of these precious couples will gather with family over the festive season, many will be surrounded by babies and children, or swollen pregnant bellies and the seemingly endless conversations surrounding these things. They’ll be terrified of probing questions from relatives and friends about their own plans to have children and likely will have rehearsed a response which will give little or nothing away about their situation.
Many will behave as if nothing is amiss, they will smile, generously give gifts, put batteries in kids’ toys and get stuck in graciously - they’ll most likely also choke back the tears as they sing carols, sneak off to the loo for a breather or weep into their pillows some nights as they try to fall asleep. There’ll be whispered conversations between couples in their beds as they stay with family and friends. The “what if..” the “I just wish…”…. The “maybe next year…”
If you’re in the messy middle of infertility right now I’d urge you not to just look at the baby in the manger, but instead to try and see Jesus.
Christmas is indeed a time of hope. “A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn..” as the stunning carol sings. If you’re in the messy middle of infertility right now I’d urge you not to just look at the baby in the manger, but instead to try and see Jesus.
There’s a huge difference between the looking, and the seeing. The truth is - this season is about Jesus, not babies. And it speaks of all he came to win, and all he came to do for us in his loving kindness. Jesus cares about you. He sees you.
He’s so much more involved and in control of your situation than you may feel. He is good - and he promises to give you life in ALL its fullness. A hope, and a future.
Read more on infertility
I’m single and found out I may be infertile - I’ve had to learn to trust God with my future
I can’t tell you how your story is being written, or whether there’ll be a child in your arms one day. But I can tell you that even if not…. he is still good. He is never a God of second best. Never a God of Plan B.
Be kind to yourselves this Christmas. Put boundaries in place to get the rest and reprieve you need.
And if you’re not experiencing infertility yourself, but you are hosting family or friends this Christmas - please be sensitive to the potential pain of the childless couple. They may never choose to share this - and it’s usually (almost always!) best not to ask. But there’s a myriad of ways to ease any awkwardness, fend off any potential questions or avoid the focus being entirely on babies and children.
Be kind to yourselves this Christmas. Put boundaries in place to get the rest and reprieve you need.
During our own journey there was nothing “out there” for Christian couples in this situation. So in our own season of waiting we set up the ministry “The Rhythm of Hope”. Along with an incredible team we seek to equip and encourage Christian couples experiencing both primary and secondary infertility.
Our next annual retreat day is on Saturday 27 January 2024. There are still tickets available. We’d absolutely love to invite you and ensure that as many couples know about this as need to.
See therhythmofhope.co.uk for more details.
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